The Freedman Archives

The following is a collection of letters written by Gary Freedman to his imagined friend.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The Historiographer: The Pharmacology Diaries -- Part II



November 22, 2004

Hey, buddy. Looking forward to another week at the library? It'll be a short week. Thanksgiving is Thursday.

Unlike the upcoming workweek, this is a long -- ever so long -- letter. Be thankful that you pursued a career in library science, rather than history. I can tell you firsthand that history, or the writing of history -- historiography, as it's called -- is exhausting labor. Poring over ancient documents is taxing work, but it has its rewards. Yes, someday (one hopes) people will pay for my pain. Through legal processes, of course.

I've spent the weekend preparing volume II of my pharmacology diaries. Typing, editing, annotating, analyzing. The work of a historian is never done. But mind you, I don't do defenestrations. (That's an inside joke for historians -- The Thirty Years War, and all that).

People want to know, they need to understand: "Why, Freedman, why? Why do you spend so much time writing letters, notes, and messages. Mail, e-mail, and notes posted to doors that nobody ever reads. Why do you waste so much of your life on such fruitless efforts?"

I'm a compulsion machine. I'm an impulse-driven robot (to use a good Czech-derived word). People try to find a motive for my behavior. Something realistic, perhaps, such as a hoped-for financial reward. Well, of course, for me (as for most people), that thought is always there. There's always hope for a multi-million dollar lawsuit. But that's such a distant goal. It can barely be conceived in the present moment.

Besides, I'm not a keen believer in financial motives as an explanation for behavior. The historian Charles Beard (1874-1948) made a name for himself early in his career with his famous book "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States." Yet, later in life, even Charles Beard came to eschew an emphasis on economic causes as a rationale for human behavior. In 1932 Beard would write that "the world is largely ruled by ideas, true and false." In 1945 he wrote that "man hasn't sense enough to pursue economic interests consistently." Or, to paraphrase, "sometimes a law firm's attorney managers don't act like they're running a business."

My view of human behavior is Shakespearean. Again, like Shakespeare's protagonists, I am simply a compulsion machine, driven by motives that I don't consciously see, let alone understand. That, of course, was Freud's view also. Freud wasn't too keen on financial concerns, either, as offering much insight into behavior. (As they say in the old country: When a psychoanalyst starts talking like a lawyer, you know the ideas he states didn't originate with the analyst -- "A law firm is a business, isn't it?" Get it, Brian?)

In Harold Bloom's felicitously-economic reformulation of Freud's fundamental theory, "We are lived by drives we cannot command (or understand) and yet we search incessantly, do experience satisfactions, however marginal, and win our real if limited triumph over the vital order." Perhaps that is my motive: like all renegades, I seek to win a real if limited triumph over the vital order, even if that struggle takes thirty years--or more. I see my writings as a means to that ultimate triumph, however limited the outcome.

Let us turn now to The Diaries. Volume II of my Diaries covers the period October 11, 2002 to January 24, 2003, a period during which I took two antipsychotic medications, Risperdal and Abilify, seriatim, prescribed by my then treating psychiatrist, Betsy Jane Cooper, MD. Several months later, in midyear 2003, I closed my diaries forever. My professed aim in writing them had been to provide the attorney managers of Akin Gump a full account of my life and character, via David Castleberry, who was the resident manager of my apartment building at that time. In midyear 2003 David Castleberry resigned his position, and, thus, my means of communicating with the attorney managers of Akin Gump was undone.

In April 2003 I started to write letters to you. Maybe it would be useful to look at the period January 25, 2003 to the conclusion of my diary entries, several months later. That period of my history would shed light on the development of my obsession with you, buddy. Yes, let's do that someday. But for now the subject is chemistry. Better living through chemistry.

Check you out next week, buddy. By the way, will you be clothed on Friday? I was thinking of returning to the library on Friday. But, if you're going to be clothed, what's the point?


The Diaries

[During the period June 2001 to August 2003 I believed that the resident manager of my apartment building, David Castleberry (2000 - 2003), used to enter my apartment surreptitiously each day. I used to leave him a handwritten message taped to the inside of the front door. I had begun that practice in mid-June 2001 and continued writing notes and taping them to the door until the summer of 2003, when David Castleberry quit. The messages were addressed to "Friend." I pretended that I didn't know it was David Castleberry who was reading the notes. It was my (paranoid) belief that David Castleberry reported back to attorney managers at Akin Gump the content of the message I left on the door each day. I further believed that Akin Gump's attorney managers then informed Brian Brown at the library of the content of the daily message.]

10-11-02 I'm going to pick up my meds today. I'm starting on a new anti-psychotic medication (Risperdal). I'll be taking my first dose tonight. Just wait till Monday morning when you'll be seeing significant changes in me. I may even stop writing to you altogether. I can see the prospect for a whole new life opening up for me. Maybe I'll find a job and get myself a girlfriend -- or to put it more vividly -- my aim is to get paid and [get] laid.

10-14-02 / 10-15-02 Did you hear President Bush say that war with Iraq is not a certainty -- only the build-up to war is a certainty? I'm thinking that's a lot like sex when you're on Zoloft: Only the build-up to the shooting is a certainty -- even though the final shot may never be fired. Personally, I'm a pro-war hawk! Let's get rubbers for the standing army!!

10-16-02 Message for Brian -- You were really nice to me yesterday Brian -- and I appreciate that -- I know that, for you, being a nice person can be difficult -- But you went the extra step. One other thing. -- Why did you let Lori use the remainder of somebody else's time on the computer yesterday? You know that's what she did. She makes arrangements with people to use their time. -- "Are you planning to use all your time?" -- "Could I use the rest of your time if you're planning to leave before your time is up?" That's what she does.

[Lori was a troublesome library patron who used to get into disputes, and an occasional serious argument, with librarian William Dacosta about the use of the libraries' public computers. It was my belief that Brian Brown had substantial cause to ban Lori from access to the public computers. Brian Brown did not take any action against Lori.]

10-17-02 Message for Aida Epstein -- Today is the anniversary of Frederic Chopin's death -- like you care! On another front-- Tuesday (10-15-02), in the magazine exchange, at the library, they left in the magazine exchange the attached "Be Careful what you wish For" -- I see this as a taunt -- "You might lose your Social Security if you get a criminal investigation." [Attached is the front cover of "AAA World" (September/October 2002 issue) featuring a photograph of the face of a bear with the caption: "Be Careful What You Wish For: Most of the 10 million people who visit Great Smoky Mountains National Park each year are hoping to see bears in the natural environment."]

10-18-02 Somebody's birthday falls around this time. But I can never remember. I know it's somebody's birthday Oct 18 or Oct 19. Who could that be?

[Message refers to Robert S. Strauss.]

10-21-02 So what's the story with Jeffrey Lieberson ([apartment] 138); he has a mezuzah on his door. He's into baseball in a big way. Maybe he's one of Malcolm's relatives. Wouldn't surprise me. [Attached is an address label from a magazine mailed to Lieberson.] Bob Strauss on the "Briefs vs. Boxers" controversy. -- "My boys are independent. Always have been. They don't need any support from Big Daddy." So here's what happened in the library on Friday afternoon (10/18). Sally was on the computer. Brian was fixing something in the Xerox machine. He was bending down, with his hand in the machine. Sally said to him-- "Do you want me to try [to help]? I have smaller hands." Then Brian said he fixed it. (He was talking in what I considered an affected tone of voice -- friendly, sexy). Then Sally started to clap (once again -- the hands). She glanced at me (I was on the other computer), as if she wanted to gauge my reaction to her clapping. I noticed on the "Return to Stacks" cart. They were placed prominently. One -- a book on "palm-held" computers (palm = hand + a tropical tree) (Rubenstein?). Two -- another on Winston S. Churchill (The Prime Minister) (Rubenstein?)

[Sally was a library volunteer, who used to water the plants in the library. She was a retiree who had worked in the computer field. I believe she had access to Brian Brown's office. Obviously, from the above entry, I also believed Sally received confidential information about me from library staff.

Perry Rubenstein was in my graduating class at Central High School (230th class, 1971). In the yearbook he stated as his career ambition, "Prime Minister of Kenya." He went to Florida on spring break in 1970 (in the 11th grade); and was forced to stay an extra week because he couldn't get transportation home. On about Thursday, the week following spring break, my chemistry teacher said (suddenly) -- in the middle of a lecture -- "Where is Rubenstein? I haven't seen him all week?" On one occasion Rubenstein called me a "fag." I used to talk a lot about Rubenstein with my then treating psychologist, Dr. Nancy Shaffer. Rubenstein assumed importance for me while I was writing my autobiography in adulthood. I noticed that references to the pianist Arthur Rubinstein were consistently associated with the theme of "lateness to arrive." I do not know what Rubenstein does. The Internet has numerous entries for a "Perry Rubenstein Gallery" in New York City. (There are many homosexuals in the art field. I had a feeling that Rubenstein secretly liked me -- in a manly way, of course.)

Jeffrey Lieberson, my neighbor, works as press secretary for Congressman Steven Rothman (D-NJ). He graduated from New York University in about the year 2000.]


JIANG ZEMIN: I no wear cowboy hat. Make me look ridicurous.

PRESIDENT BUSH: But you have to wear it. There's a factory in Shanghai manufacturing these as we speak.

JIANG ZEMIN: There's factory making THESE?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Yes! It makes you look like a cowboy.

JIANG ZEMIN: But I don't want to look like cowboy!

[Jiang Zemin was the Chinese head of state. President Bush had presented Jiang Zemin with a cowboy hat during a state visit. The message is a parody of a Seinfeld episode, "The Puffy Shirt," which features the line: "You ruined me, you ruined my career."]

On another front-- Overheard at Akin Gump Management Committee meeting: [Following is cut out from a "Vanity Fair" magazine article about baseball player Pete Rose:] "How did it all go so fucking bad?" (Pete Rose quote)

[Pete Rose was a client of an Akin Gump partner, the criminal defense attorney John Dowd, Esq. Several years ago I saw Dowd chatting with Steptoe & Johnson attorney, Reid Weingarten, Esq. about a block from Akin Gump's office. Weingarten is a close personal friend of former U.S. Attorney and Deputy U.S. Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr., Esq. (Covington & Burling). I have seen Weingarten several times in downtown Washington. Each time he stared intently at me as if he recognized me; on occasion he had a look of pity or concern. (The thought is a paranoid idea of reference).

10-22-02 BONUS Message for Rubenstein: --I notice "Art & Antiques" (6-2002) left you out of its feature on New York Art dealers. Maybe you're not an art dealer after all. By the way, what do you think of that TV show -- "Antiques Roadshow" -- I think it's a scam. There aren't that many antiques in the world! It's like all those baseballs "autographed" by Pete Rose. Rubenstein, do you know Brad Shar? He's better looking than you.

[Attached is front cover of June 2002 issue of "Art & Antiques" captioned: "Young Ambition: NYC's Next Generation of Dealers, Part II." Cover features photo of eight New York art dealers, including Brad Shar. I do not know who Brad Shar is.]

10-22-02 DOUBLE BONUS I've formed a tentative theory-- That Mahler's 8th Symphony may be a giant set of variations on Mahler's song "Liebst Du Um Schonheit." There is at least one prominent direct quote from the song (at the words "Erleuchtet mein bedurftige Hertz"). Both the 8th Symphony and the song are dedicated to Mahler's wife.

10-23-02 Message for "The Management Committee"-- A lawyer who gets another lawyer disbarred is twice a lawyer. [Paraphrase of the homosexual French writer Jean Genet's famous observation: "A man who fucks a man is twice a man."] Anyway, here are some paranoid impressions I've been picking up: They have clinical significance, and are offered for assessment purposes. Monday at the library, I had the notion that the staff were trying to elicit a paranoid response from me. But I don't feel very confident about that impression. Also, Monday -- Charles Davis (a brother) smiled at me broadly when he saw me -- It seemed like he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. Then, yesterday, Tuesday (10-22) Brian was back. (By the way, Brian -- thanks for all this blank paper) (He wasn't there on Monday). He seemed "chastened" -- He wasn't in a receptive mood. I don't know what that was in connection with (maybe he hasn't gotten any lately). Picking up signals about rock bands -- I wonder if David Bowie still works for the Bureau. (Also, what about Jimmie Carter?) Seems like a lot of famous people work at the DC Field Office.

10-24-02 I think I actually have my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, thinking I'm really psychotic. I guess I've got HER fooled. She doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I REALLY am sensitive to what's going on -- that, for example, Malcolm broke into my apartment. I have her believing that my beliefs are actually "psychotic" symptoms. She's so naive. By the way, Ignacio, I had sexy feelings about you yesterday. Sorry, amigo, I don't like guys with facial hair. Look elsewhere for tongue action.

[Ignacio [last name?] used to work at the circulation desk at the library.]

10-25-02 I just received my high school alumni journal (Fall 2002). Check out Richard Rappaport, M.D. (202 graduating class). The notice says he's a forensic psychiatrist and associate clinical professor at UCSD, who has testified in high profile serial murder cases. Maybe he can provide insight into my potential for serial disbarment of management partners at large law firms. [Attached is blurb on Rappaport.] I still have fantasies relating to the assassination of a foreign head of state. Did Elliott Feldman give you any useful background info about that?

[Elliott Feldman, now a lawyer in Philadelphia, sat next to me in ninth-grade English class in high school; the class read Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar" in January 1968. The ancient Roman emperor Julius Caesar is the referenced assassinated "foreign head of state." The statement was made to show how easy it is to play with the heads of law enforcement, by clever use of language. The statement is an example of protected speech that, to a naive eye, can appear to be a threat.]

10-28-02 An Epic Adventure, Eleven Years in the Making: Siskel and Ebert Give it a "Thumbs-Up." Featuring Dennis Race, Larry (The "Hoff") Hoffman, Malcolm Lassman -- Plus a Panel of Experts! And Vernon Jordan in the Greatest Role of His Career IN


--coming to a District Court near you. Here are some scenes from "Foresight"

DENNIS RACE: Well, I guess I didn't think ahead.

[The line "Well, I guess I didn't think ahead" is from a Seinfeld episode. The episode is about a corrupt dry-cleaner whose wife wears his customers' clothes. The episode features the line, "What, do you think the dry-cleaners is your own personal closet?"]

10-29-02 A There was a babe yakking away on her cell phone last night, for about 40 minutes, outside my window, from about 6:20 to 7:00 PM. I have to warn you about her (tell David Castleberry). She was talking about a leak in her closet that ruined a jacket of hers - and she wants to be compensated for dry-cleaning costs. She claims she's been ignored by maintenance. Something about the closet being sealed, her not having apartment insurance. Involvement of somebody named "Ron." Her mother is a lawyer. Watch out: She's a FUCKING pain in the ass. She seemed to be talking in an exaggerated loud voice, so that the whole world could hear her. Tell her she's a nuisance to other tenants.

10-29-02 B Here's what I'm picking up at the library -- through my sources. What the Feds are focusing on is the fact "Felix" (I call him Felix because of his legal brilliance) -- Felix didn't tell me he had learned that I suffered from a psychiatric "disorder" -- which prevented me from filing a claim with the firm's private insurer. Can you say FRAUD boys and girls?

[The name "Felix" (derived from Felix Frankfurter) refers to Dennis Race. It was in the fall of 2002 that I forwarded a letter to Eric H. Holder, Jr., Esq., at Covington & Burling requesting his pro bono representation. I had formed the paranoid impression, subsequently, that the letter to Holder triggered some inquiries of some kind.]

10-29-02 C Hey Rubenstein-- I'm putting you in my Hall of Frame! --Did I mention that Brad Shar is better looking than you?

10-29-02 D Could you tell David Castleberry -- a propos of the Halloween Party (I won't be there). Mr. Reuss used to have breakfasts -- I really liked them. I can still remember -- There was one on a Saturday in May 1996 and one on a Sunday in Nov 1999. How is Mr. Reuss?

[John Reuss was the resident manager at 3801 Connecticut Avenue from about 1993 to 2000; he was transferred to the Roosevelt Apartment Complex in Falls Church. The four messages posted on 10-29 (designated A, B, C, and D) appear to be a form of acting out, as if to say, "Do you think this medication is helping me?" I never had the impression that John Reuss entered my apartment surreptitiously.]

10-30-02 THE BRIS [The Circumcision]

RUBENSTEIN: I think he's in love with me. He never stops talking about me. I don't know why he's so obsessed with me. We were never close friends. We were never even friends, never even acquaintances.

MALCOLM: I thought you two played softball together.

RUBENSTEIN: We never played softball. Besides, he throws like a girl.

MALCOLM: He said you played softball together, that he was the pitcher and you were the catcher.

RUBENSTEIN: He told you we had a special relationship? Doesn't he have any closer friends? He's level-jumping on our chance association.

MALCOLM: Yes, he's level-jumping.

[The message is a parody of a Seinfeld episode, "The Bris."]

10-31-02 Quote of the Day: "The Hell with the Nobel Prize, -- I'm back, baby, I'm back!" [Refers to Walter Mondale's announcement that he would run for the U.S. Senate seat from Minnesota left vacant by the sudden, accidental death of Paul Wellstone (D-Mn.).] I told Dr. Shaffer yesterday about my fascination with Bruce Jay Stein -- and how he had a lot going on downtown.

[Stein was in my graduating class in college. I used to see him naked in the athletics department locker room.]


FRITZ MONDALE: I don't even NEED to campaign.

BOB STRAUSS: I don't NEED to bill clients.

DOUG GANSLER: I don't NEED to establish jurisdiction!

BOB STRAUSS: We were MADE for each other!!

[Refers to fact that Strauss is famous for not billing clients, unlike most lawyers; Mondale's last-minute run for the Senate; and Montgomery County State's Attorney Gansler's decision to prosecute the sniper shooter in Montgomery County despite the competing (and apparently superior) claims of prosecutors in other jurisdictions.]

11-04-02 I'm still taking my anti-psychotic meds. See the difference? Here's what I'm thinking. It's about Felix. Felix said (11 years ago -- I'm still caught up with the distant past) that my complaint of job harassment was consistent with a psychiatric disorder that can be associated with a risk of violent behavior. Here's a quote from "Narcissism: Denial of the True Self" by Alexander Lowen, M.D.: "There are successful psychopaths . . . brilliant, remorseless people with icy intelligence, incapable of love or guilt, with aggressive designs on the rest of the world." . . . "Instead of murdering others" . . . this person "might become a corporate raider and murder companies, firing people instead of killing them, chopping up their functions, rather than their bodies.'" (page 23) When you combine "The Felix Model" of violent potential with the above description of a type of psychopath you end up with the following assertion -- Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's action in ordering the break-up of Microsoft is an action CONSISTENT WITH his being a psychopath, which can be associated with a risk of violence -- maybe as a public service I should warn Judge Jackson's colleagues.

11-05-02 This is scraping the bottom of the barrel. Here's someone who I remember being in my seventh-grade class (as you know Lillian Camaioni was the homeroom teacher and social studies teacher). The person's name was Andrew Applebaum. I don't remember anything specific about him. I think he had attended Elwood Elementary school. David Ellis [Central High School, 230th class, 1971] would have known him. I am simply making a report. To you, honored members of the board, I am simply making a report.

11-05-02 [Full page ad from magazine for the cologne "Lauder Pleasures for Men," depicting a male model who has a striking resemblance to my old friend Craig W. Dye; a female model is kissing his forehead; the caption reads -- "Capture the moment." I have written in a caption that I attribute to the female: "Sweetheart, Gramps wants you to smile for the camera." Capture the moment "and sell it to the Gov't."

[Refers to the Zapruder film of the Kennedy assassination. Dye was romantically involved with the granddaughter of Abraham Zapruder who filmed the assassination, and whose heirs sold the film to the federal government for $15 million.]

11-06-02 I write this not knowing whether Fritz won or lost -- I'm in a somber mood! I don't know whether I mentioned this before -- maybe I did. Susan Marks (Phila High School for Girls, 1970 -- 211th class) -- a classmate of mine in elementary school had a female cousin of the same age. I forget the cousin's name, but she was in my 7th grade class in junior high school with -- among others Andy Applebaum and David Ellis (who I mentioned yesterday). What I remember from elementary school is that Susan Marks' cousin's mother had died of cancer. (The cousin didn't go to the same elementary school as Miss Marks and I).

[Susan Marks had a genius-level IQ, having achieved a perfect score on an IQ test administered in sixth grade. I told a former treating psychiatrist, Dr. Stanley R. Palombo, about Marks in the year 1990. I believe Akin Gump managers promptly contacted Marks.]

11-06-02 Additional Thoughts. I have some additional thoughts about yesterday's election. What if Fritz Mondale lost? I'm devastated! His political career will be in shambles. He may never win political office again. -- And that campaign! The hours of backbreaking speeches. Handshaking -- baby-holding. -- A long, hard, campaign. To put that much energy into something and to see it go up in flames! My heart goes out to Fritz. He'll have to go back to his million-dollar law practice.

[Message is a humorous reference to the fact that Mondale spent, at most, all of two days campaigning for the Senate seat left vacant by the sudden death of incumbent Wellstone.]

11-07-02 Here's something for the chapter: "The Brilliance of Felix" Legal Argument: "We determined that his behavior was like that of a person with ideas of reference, and as a general proposition, ideas of reference can be associated with a risk of violence" -- Q.E.D. Freedman may be violent. Equivalent: Bob Strauss's old age is like a brilliant sunset. As a general principle, if you stare at the sun, you can go blind (proof -- Galileo). Q.E.D. -- If you stare at Bob Strauss long enough, you could go blind. Felix turned me into a metaphor ! ! !

11-07-02 I'm posting yesterday's notes. Unfortunately, Mr. Doug was doing his filter gig yesterday, so I thought it was prudent to not post the notes. I don't think Mr. Doug would understand. Would you believe I still don't know who won the Minnesota Senate race? In any event, I'm devastated by the election results. Republicans are taking over the whole country ! ! ! At least my old friend [former Philadelphia mayor and district attorney] Ed Rendell won [the gubernatorial seat] in Pennsylvania.

[I believe that Rendell knows who I am through Bob Strauss. Rendell was chairman of the Democratic National Committee in the year 2000; Strauss was a convention delegate that year. Several years ago (about 1997) I sent an attention-grabbing application letter to Rendell's wife, Marjorie Rendell, for a position as law clerk. Marjorie Rendell is a U.S. District Court Judge in Philadelphia (E.D. Pa.).]

11-08-02 I found out yesterday that Walter Mondale didn't win the senate race in Minnesota. To all you Minnesotans who didn't vote for Fritz, I have just one thing to say: GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! By the way, 42 years ago today, a majority of Americans (barely) voted the right way. [Refers to the Nixon-Kennedy Presidential election of 1960.]

11-08-02 For the chapter: "Don't Try This At Home Boys and Girls -- Leave It To The Professionals"

FRITZ MONDALE: Maybe I should have had more time to campaign.

DOUG GANSLER: Maybe I should have had better facts and better law.

BOB STRAUSS: I still don't bill clients. I have no plans to.

11-11-2 / 11-12-02 Here's an interesting thing. Frank Gannon, Deputy to President Nixon's Press Secretary, Ron Ziegler, has a Ph.D. and is something of an expert on James Joyce. Reportedly, he said that listening to the Nixon tapes was like following James Joyce's novel, "Ulysses." Hey, Fleischer, who's your James Joyce expert?

[Ari Fleischer was press secretary to President George W. Bush.]

11-13-02 I heard President Bush say yesterday that the actions of the Iraqi Parliament are meaningless because it's just a rubber stamp organization-- An instance of presidential projection? Did you check out last week's election returns here in the States? I think the Republicans control both houses of Congress -- or was I dreaming?

11-14-02 Doctor Shaffer is really starting to "P Street " me off. I'm thinking of writing a new type of letter to a random attorney at the Justice Department.

Dear Sir:

Please help me. My situation is desperate. The Government of the District of Columbia together with various professional persons licensed by the DC Government have taken actions that would evince, to a reasonable person, that something terrible, egregious, outrageous, and execrable has been going on--

1. In August 1998, an employee of the District Government told the U.S. Capitol Police that I had [redacted]. Following an investigation the Capitol Police determined that the accusation was a simple mistake.

2. In February 1996, a psychiatrist licensed by the DC Gov't determined that I suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. It now appears that was a simple mistake.

3. In February 1999, a psychiatrist employed by the DC Gov't determined that I suffered from paranoid schizophrenia-- a simple mistake.

4. In September 1992 a psychiatrist licensed by the DC Gov't determined that I suffered from bi-polar disorder -- a simple mistake.

5. In October 1991, a psychiatrist licensed by the D.C. Government determined that someone with my behaviors could be [redacted]--a simple mistake.

6. In December 1997 (on Beethoven's birthday) an attorney employed by the DC Corporation Counsel advised the DC Court of Appeals that I admitted that my coworkers were afraid that I might "[redacted]" -- (that would include as a possible [redacted], Vernon Jordan -- a close friend of the President of the USA). A simple mistake.

7. During the summer of 2002, a Metro cop stopped and interrogated me at the Georgia Avenue Metro Station based on his probable cause determination that I [redacted]. A simple mistake.

8. In January 1998, my psychiatrist-- an individual licensed by the DC Gov't determined that I do not suffer from a mental illness for which medication was indicated - a simple mistake.

9. In September 1998, the D.C. Court of Appeals made a decision affirming a prior finding of the DC Dept of Human Right that I might reasonably be said to be [redacted]. The Court's decision was premised in part on the assumption that the month of October is a month that falls in the early part of the year -- a simple mistake.

For your additional information I submit a copy of my autobiography. Dennis Race, Esq. (887-4028) has consented to serve as a contact person regarding this matter.

OH, YES -- AND NO. 10

10. The DC Gov't has maintained that my belief that senior attorneys at the law firm of AGSH&F (possibly including Vernon Jordan) burglarized my apartment, in January 1990, was material to Dennis Race's decision to terminate my employment. -- A simple mistake. You can ask Mr. Race about this at 887-4028 -- That's 887-4028.

11-15-02 Of course, the big topic of conversation at the library yesterday (11-14) was my session with my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer. They were "talking" about how Dr. Shaffer was told not to invest energy into trying to re-assure me that I'm not under surveillance. She does that, you know -- as if it has any effect on me! Maybe she's got the message.

11-18-02 Like I said, we're coming up on Jeffrey Orchinik's 50th birthday. He's still in good shape. He did permanent damage to his nails -- He was a chronic nail-biter. He has to use "Lee Press-On Nails" as a prosthetic. Did you know "Lee Press-On Nails" are covered by Medicare, if they're medically-indicated?

[Attached is magazine cover ("Men's Fitness") of a male model, with a caption I've written in: "Prosthetic nails turned my life around." Orchinik (229th class, Central High School, 1970) was a year older than me and practiced at the Philadelphia firm of Sagot & Jennings, where I clerked during law school (1980-1982). Orchinik specialized in ERISA, and now practices personal injury law at a suburban Philadelphia firm. Orchinik graduated summa cum laude in psychology from SUNY-Buffalo, 1974. My friend Craig W. Dye graduated from SUNY-Buffalo in about 1980. Tom Jennings, Esq. described Orchinik as "brilliant."]

11-19-02 Yesterday, Velvel was drinking a soft drink at his desk in the library -- a violation of library rules. Brian is gone for a week, and the library starts to fall apart -- as I've pointed out before. Also, I think I said this last year, but today is the anniversary of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Saturday, Nov 16 -- That's when Kent (Big Brother 2) said he was going on a cruise with some of the other contestants and "the Fans" -- I guess there's nothing like reliving a confining experience than by having another confining experience. At least on a cruise you can jump ship. I guess Hardy won't be going on the cruise. It's a shame Hardy and Lindsey broke up. Looking back, I guess she was really a gold digger. Maybe she should have dated Eddie McGee, the one-legged kid from "Big Brother 1" -- She could have shared in the half million and gotten some kinky amputee sex!


DENNIS RACE: This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "tool time."

11-20-02 Yesterday (11-19) at the library, some more inappropriate behavior occurred. An elderly patron was talking to Velvel in a loud tone of voice about fellatio (the technical term for Lewinskying) and masturbation. The conversation started off innocently enough about Eugene, Oregon (which, I learned, is in the "southern" part of the state). Velvel just encouraged the whole thing by saying he used to reside in Eugene. I know people say I exaggerate, but it was loud and raunchy. Objective confirmation came from another patron, Matthew Wolfe. He was seated at a table adjacent to mine, and called over to me. "Hey, hey" -- I turned to Wolfe. He said "are you following this?" I said, "Yes" -- He said "Do you believe this?" The librarians, as I see it, are enablers of this type of behavior by being chatty. That needs to stop -- policy recommendation. -- "Librarians may only engage in conversations related to library business." I may file a complaint with the library trustees. Sorry, Velvel, but you need to rein things in ! ! !

[I do not know the patron Matthew Wolfe; he used to use the "sign-in" ledger to use one of the public computers. Note that William Dacosta ("Velvel") had no problem with a patron talking in a loud and disruptive voice about sexually-explicit material, but called the DC Police on me for writing an undelivered message that referred obliquely (and in lawful language) to my emotional reaction to my psychiatric treatment and my past employment problems. I believe that the stated reason for summoning the police on April 21, 2004 to evict me from the library was not the real reason. In any event, lesson learned: From now on I'll just talk about masturbation and fellatio at the library -- I don't NEED to talk about "dark places."]

11-20-02 BONUS I've upped my anti-psychotic meds (Risperdal) to 2 mg/day, per my prescription. You see the change? Yesterday at the library, I noticed two things that were related in content--

1. On the shelf of "Books on Tape," one "book" was set off, askew. The title was something like "Cheaters" by an author named "Eric" something.-- FINE, OK. BUT THEN--

2. In the magazine exchange a magazine was prominently displayed (attached). The cover story was "Cheating, Writing, and Arithmetic." (Meaning(?) -- David Ellis, 7th grade. "Cheaters never prosper?" -- I really don't know the meaning.

11-21-02 Dr. Shaffer is still "P Streeting" me off. I can tell someone talked to her about how to deal with my "ideas" about the surveillance. Her whole approach to my "paranoia" was different -- more, shall we say, superficially (at least) appropriate. What's odd is that Dr. Shaffer is even more transparent than the supervised residents I used to see at GW. I can actually tell with Dr. Shaffer when she's been "corrected" -- which was not apparent with the residents. As I see it, Dr. S--- is not part of the solution, she's (to use a hip word) "emblematic" of the fucking problem!

11-21-02 I'm thinking of contacting Stephen D. Harlan, Board Chairman of the "Council for Court Excellence" to tell him that Dennis Race engaged in actions that resulted in my being barred from jury duty on two occasions. A.K.A. -- Jury Tampering. Or [Deputy Corporation Counsel] Chuck Reischel, or [my former treating psychiatrist] Dr. Taub, or GW -- etc. (Actually I think I'm going to write to him about the 10 (bizarre) "mistakes" that have ruined my chances for jury duty.)

[I did, in fact, write to Stephen Harlan at about that time. I recall delivering the letter in person to the organization's receptionist.

Jerrold ("Jerry") Zwirn, a former full-time librarian at the Cleveland Park Branch of the DC Library (and an employee of Brian Brown), served as a member of "The Court Community Observers," February - April 2001. Jerry Zwirn was part of the Council for Court Excellence project described in "Report and Recommendations of the Court Community Observers Project in the District of Columbia Superior Court and its Civil Division" (report issued July 2001). I believe that Jerry Zwirn knows the complete story of the surveillance of me by Brian Brown and Akin Gump managers.]

11-22-02 Yesterday Brian (at the library) was in a rare form. He was acting out in a way I haven't seen him act out in a long time. It used to be, back in the '90s, he'd act out like this just about every day. I see a "scientific" opportunity -- whatever it was he was reacting to yesterday highlights (in all probability) what irks people generally about me. What happened was that Brian was talking on the telephone in an affected tone of voice, and was using a whole procession of double entendres. He seemed to have a need to discharge, in some socially-appropriate form, a lot of angry feelings. Maybe that's a good thing. In past times, "Brian's" type would be herding me off to a concentration camp. So, maybe his behavior reflects a social advancement. (I myself am very excited about the insight this material may hold about my social difficulties -- I suspect the underlying issue is jealousy). The things I remember about the telephone call are as follows:

--Brian was affectedly pretending to speak Italian. He was affectedly friendly

--He was talking about somebody's mother-in-law -- that she was "crazy" -- and that she was going "senile"

--He used the phrase "some of my best friends are" [inaudible].

--He used the phrase "Be that as it may" (That's Dr. Eissler's phrase)

--He talked about the fact that someone was actually Italian

--He mentioned that the person's relatives in "the old country" [note the reference in another context above to the word "senile"] were reportedly Protestants. He then added: "But I don't believe that." -- "I don't believe they were Protestant."

I think whatever it was that Brian was reacting to will give a clue as to my difficulties with people generally. Again, I suspect it's jealousy. One thing to keep in mind -- I had a session with Dr. Shaffer the day before and I didn't mention Brian -- Despite the fact that he had been on vacation for a week, and therefore I had been denied the sight of his hot Irish-Catholic ass for about 8 days!

[I had formed the opinion that Brian, by this time, knew I liked him. I suspected (in paranoid fashion) that he was put off by the fact that I didn't talk about him with my psychologist the previous day. I had the paranoid impression that Brian had wanted me to express the idea to my psychologist that I missed him because he was on vacation.]

11-25-02 I think my psychiatrist, Dr. Cooper, is an admirer of the Virgin Mary. I am too: I hear her kreplach were fantastic! Dr. Cooper has a statue of the Virgin Mary in her office. I think it violates the First Amendment.

11-25-02 I just thought of something that is sure to generate a ton of telephone calls to Dennis Race. Did I mention that my sources tell me he has temper tantrums when he gets these calls?

[Note to reader: Don't waste time trying to figure out the meaning of the following; it's nonsensical.]

Dear Mr. -----, Esq.

The DC Corporation Counsel determined that my belief that Vernon Jordan or other management attorneys at AGSH&F entered my apartment unlawfully (with the possible intent to commit a felony) was material to the employer's decision to terminate my employment. The only way that the firm could have learned of my belief is via my psychiatrists, since the record discloses that I never told the employer about the possible burglary. The District determined that I formed a good faith belief that my employer had unlawful contacts with my psychiatrists -- (etc.)

[Obviously, I'm playing games with the District's use of "after-acquired evidence" in the Brief of Appellee, DC Government.]

11-25-02 Here's some Kernberg material: Last Wednesday (11-20-02) I told my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, that I thought there was a parallel between (1) the incident on "Big Brother 2" where one of the contestants Shannon scrubbed the toilet with Hardy's toothbrush and (2) what I believe was my supervisor's presumed action in putting a baby-food jar in my trash can. I went "back to the videotape" -- and I discovered a comment by the aggressor's friend and ally in the game (Will Kirby, MD) that refers to Hardy as a "cry baby:" "You know, I think cleaning the toilet with someone's toothbrush is a little extreme for me. However, I think it is a very intelligent move because Hardy is such a CRY-BABY, pretty-boy, you know, eyebrow-waxing freak that this is the type of thing that really sets him off." (Note that Will was also a "pretty boy" who used to shave his entire body & pluck his eyebrows.)

[Otto Kernberg, MD, is an expert in group dynamics.]

11-26-02 I had another idea for some fun. I could send out letters to foreign embassies, explaining that I'm being persecuted by the government (providing the "10 mistakes" as proof) -- and requesting political asylum in their country. -- With, of course, a reference to Felix's telephone number. Both Felix AND the Secret Service will love that one! Gotta run, I'm set to tee off at 10:00 AM.

11-27-02 (Will Kirby '01; Freedman '02; George Bush; Felix '91): Now I have a goal in the White House, and my goal is to eliminate (Hardy '01; Felix '02; Saddam; Freedman '91) in a painful way, not in a pleasant way, in an embarrassing way. [The message is a paraphrase of a comment made by Will Kirby, MD on the CBS reality-show "Big Brother 2" during the summer of 2001]. I have a session with Doc Shaffer this afternoon. Six years at the clinic -- and what worthwhile six years they've been. Do you see the changes? I've become increasingly bitter and vindictive. I spent 4 years at GW with those incompetent nut jobs telling me I needed medication to change my paranoid thinking. Now that I'm taking medication they tell me it won't necessarily change my thinking -- rather it will allow me to function despite my paranoia!

11-27-02 RUBENSTEIN: Why me?

11-27-02 BONUS I found out that the statue in my psychiatrist's (Dr. Cooper's) office is not the Virgin Mary. It's actually "Our Blessed Lady of Pharmacology" -- I hear she works miracles -- if you believe in her healing powers. Unfortunately, I don't.

11-28-02 / 11-29-02 / 12-02-02 Written at 3 mg/day Risperdal. LETTER TO ATTORNEYS.

Dear Mr. Attorney:

My pain and suffering has been horrendous. I feel I could convulse the heavens with my horror. In August 1998 the U.S. Capitol Police forced their way into my home -- giving me the impression that I had no alternative to permitting their entry -- and interrogated me about a report that I had [redacted]. I met with the Capitol Police the following day, 8-7-98, at headquarters. I was advised that the report was a mistake. I was relieved, but stunned. I had no idea that in dear, free America, the land of freedom, that a citizen could be subjected to such humiliation -- the degradation of being subjected to false accusations by armed agents. I was informed, on August 7, that my name was listed on a [redacted] because of a letter I had written two years earlier, to one Beth Smith. I was dumbfounded, nay, horrified that a letter I had written two years earlier, in June 1996 -- A letter that prompted no law enforcement inquiry at the time -- was now, in August 1998, the subject of concern -- and all because of a report -- a false report that I had [redacted]. The letter in question was an inquiry to a psychiatric hospital about psychiatric treatment. Four and a half years earlier, in October 1991, my then employer -- a law firm managed by a close friend of former President Clinton -- determined in consultation with a psychiatrist that I fit the profile of a [redacted]. My direct supervisor determined, following a consultation with one of the firm's senior attorneys (Dennis M. Race, Esq. -- a graduate of Fenn College) that I was [redacted]. I reported these concerns in a factual manner to Beth Smith in my written inquiry of June 1996. The letter, though factual and non-threatening (the failure of law enforcement to contact me about the letter at the time I sent it speaks for itself) was written in a desperate tone appropriate to my situation -- I had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia (falsely, it now turns out) and had been accused by the law partners of the President's close friend of fitting the profile of a [redacted] -- possibly a [redacted]. I am innocent -- totally innocent. I have never committed a [redacted]. I have never [redacted]. As God is my witness I am innocent. Please help me. My pain and suffering has been interminable since that all-nameless hour in August 1998 when I was accused of having [redacted] and was told I was [redacted]. What's more -- even after the police had assured themselves that I was innocent they advised me that they would proceed to [redacted] -- a clear case of guilt by suspicion. I must take tranquilizers daily -- to live, to sleep, perchance to dream. I deserve compensation! You may contact Dennis Race at 202 887-4208 [sic]. Mr. Race is the sole repository of evidence relating to my potential for violence. He must speak with you.[THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN REDACTED PER THE NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION AND A SUPERVISORY OFFICER OF THE METRO DC POLICE, SECOND DISTRICT.]

[The above letter, though histrionic in tone, is factual. The letter is pertinent to the difficulties that a victim of defamation faces. Regardless of my status on medication, my act of simply reciting the facts of my case, is enough to make me sound mentally disturbed and potentially violent. This point raises a question: Has the Social Security Administration paid me more than $100,000 because of a disabling mental illness that features disturbed ideations, or is my failure to find work simply an anger reaction to substantial and compensatable defamation? I plan to redact this entire message when I send this document to third parties, and insert the note "[Redacted for reasons of national security by order of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Metro DC Police]" That note alone should be an attention-grabber.]

12-02-02 Give my regards to the Big Man on Campus. You can tell him that Eric done good!

[Attached is cover of "Columbia College Today" (September 2002 issue) that features a photograph of the president of Columbia University, with the caption "The Life of the Mind: An Interview With President Lee C. Bolinger, By Alex Sachare '71.]

12-03-02 I'm now at 4 mg/day of anti-psychotic medication. See the remarkable changes in me? I'm still full of much rage about what those people did to me. I feel like Saddam Hussein -- eleven years of pure hell. Eleven years of surveillance, inspections, false accusations, surprise raids -- and now [the British Foreign Secretary] dusting off accusations they haven't used since 1914, -- like I've just marched into Belgium, or something. Potentially violent, my ass. I'm still stuck on THAT one. And then the Feds -- "Well, if you don't have anything to hide, why won't you let us have a look around?" -- Like I have scud missiles under my pillow, and a storehouse of enriched plutonium in my closet -- give me a break. The British: Can't live with them; can't get screwed without them!

[Note, incidentally, that the accusation that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction was never proven. "How can all these people say these things about you, and none of it is true? Some of it must be true." In the case of Saddam Hussein, none of it was true.]

12-04-02 If you talk to Michael Bacon, tell him I was particularly enchanted by the passage (or, more appropriately, the variation) that sounded like Robert Schumann -- I thought -- "Wow! That sounds just like Schumann!! Aida Epstein should hear this." I thought -- This is like the Diabelli Variations where Beethoven quotes Mozart's "Don Giovanni." (If you don't get it, you don't get it.) I think the whole thing was a parody of the Diabelli Variations -- Variations, here, on the Kaiser Waltz.

[Refers to the music score of a PBS-TV special on the life of Sigmund Freud, produced by David Grubin. The show was broadcast the day before Thanksgiving, in the year 2002. The score was written by Michael Bacon.]

12-04-02 I left my rent with Mr. Castleberry yesterday -- without an envelope. I understand he prefers that. But it felt strange, nonetheless. Of course, I walk around my apartment naked -- So I don't know why I'm worried about a "naked" check. My paranoia is still in full swing. Yesterday, the tenant "Richard" -- The graduate of Brown Univ, who works at the USIA [U.S. Information Agency] (?) -- sighed when he saw me. That meant something to me -- like "Oh, man -- it's you!" Then at the library yesterday Barbara the librarian seemed unusually circumspect -- and perturbed. But at one point, while she was talking to a patron about the Xerox machine she said (about the machine) "It lies." -- She seemed to me to be talking about me. I have to say-- "What -- me lie?"

["The tenant 'Richard'" is Richard Peyton Howard, who has lived in the building since at least the year 1990 (Apartment 522). I have believed strongly since 1990 that Howard knows my identity and my personal history, and is part of the information network that continues to receive updates about my situation. Howard is a graduate of Brown University.]

12-05-02 SNOW! Called the library this morning. Spoke to Ignacio -- what a nice young man! Library obviously open. Brian -- How did your doctor visit go yesterday. I hope it went better than mine! How did she react when you got naked for her -- did your juices flow? You know, with every ejaculation, you lose some creative powers. It's like Balzac once said after having sex -- "Another masterpiece lost to French literature!" (Something I didn't learn from Linda Miller[, one of my high school French teachers]).

[Ignacio (last name?) used to work at the circulation desk at the library. He was liked and respected by the library staff.]

12-06-02 PASTICHE. Sunday is my grandmother's birthday -- she'll be 110. It seems Brian doesn't like it when I talk about his body fluids -- Sorry, Brian -- Can you ever forgive me? Dr. Sack doesn't look like a happy camper. I guess he's realizing he threw away a lot of cash on a Harvard education, when he could have done just as well with a degree from Temple Univ, like Fred Cohen, MD or Mike Shapiro, MD. Temple University -- It's the Harvard of North Philadelphia.

[Lawrence C. Sack, MD, earned both an undergraduate degree and medical degree from Harvard University. He was a psychiatrist whose professional office was in my building. I had three consults with Dr. Sack in May 1991; I quit when I formed the impression Dr. Sack was in communication with Akin Gump management. Dr. Sack was an individual who I genuinely thought could help me. He passed away in early August 2003; his death was a great blow to me. "On the afternoon of August sixth, or maybe it was the fifth. I can't be sure."]

12-09-02 What do you think of my new stereo? Nice, huh? Thank you President Roosevelt! Well, I think I've done my part this Christmas season to help the economy! By the way, speaking of FDR -- God bless you, People of Louisiana! (Bob Strauss & his friends will know what I mean. Apparently the people of Louisiana are a lot smarter than the people of Minnesota. Maybe it's the climate).

12-10-02 Here's anther letter I might send to the DC Department of Employment Services.

DC Dept of Employment Services
Washington, DC

Dear Sir:

In November 1991 I qualified for unemployment benefits in the District of Columbia. In May 1992, I qualified for extended benefits, pursuant to which I was required to engage in a systematic and sustained effort to obtain work by making contact with at least 5 new employers each week of eligibility. See D.C. Code section 51-107. This will advise that at the time I contacted various employers in 1992, pursuant to my statutory duty, I did not know that --

1) My former employer, the law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld had determined that I was [redacted]

Dennis M. Race Esq. (202 887-4028) had determined that I suffered from a psychiatric disorder that rendered me not suitable for employment

3) My direct supervisor had determined that I was [redacted]

4) My co-workers had a genuine and credible fear that I might [redacted]

5) The District Government would determine, on August 6, 1998, that facts relating to my job termination, in October 1991, would contribute to a reasonable conclusion that I might [redacted]

6) The District of Columbia Department of Human Rights possessed sworn statements pertaining to my [redacted] and mental impairment.

In summary, I had no knowledge in 1992 that my former employer had information relating to the possibility that tort liability might attach to an employer's decision to employ me.

Sincerely yours,

Gary Freedman


[Dennis Race filed his sworn Interrogatory Response on May 22, 1992 with the DC Department of Human Rights stating that he had determined (in October 1991) in consultation with a psychiatrist that I was potentially violent. I wrote Dennis Race a letter in about early June 1992 advising that I qualified for extended unemployment benefits, and soon thereafter began my job search. I did not receive a copy of Dennis Race's Interrogatory Response (dated May 22, 1992) from the DC Department of Human Rights until late December 1992. Dennis Race, therefore, showed a wanton disregard for the possible tort liability I might pose to a prospective employer owing to my "potential for violence."]

12-11-02 Last night I was watching Paul Anthony doing his pitch for contributions to WETA [public television]. Once again, hats off, you do a superprofessional job. By the way, I love it when you use the word "preclude" -- so erudite! By the way, Mr. Anthony, did Malcolm send you the latest version of my book? I think Malcolm contacted you for the first time back in about '93 or '94 after you broadcast that Claudio Abbado concert of Wagner's music (you know, the broadcast where Katie Couric says of Wagner's music -- "Tender, heroic, tragic.") How did you earn your millions, Mr. Anthony, or did you inherit your money? I used to feel sorry for you. I thought -- poor guy -- does voice overs for public television. Probably lives in Section 8 housing in PG County. Then I saw that house -- that palace -- you lived in. Wow! Section 8, my ass.

12-12-02 Last night the crazies were out in full force. I must have gotten about 6 crazy telephone calls in about a 3-hour period. I'm starting a new anti-psychotic med today. The one I was taking (Risperdal) didn't do anything for me (could you tell?). The new one (Abilify) just came out on the market. My doctor said that it worked miracles for the one other patient who was taking it in her practice. I told my psychiatrist that at the library yesterday, I was picking up signals about someone named "Helen" -- who do I even know who's named Helen? I notice it's Julianne Donofrio's birthday this month -- is she related to Vincent D'Onofrio? (Law and Order - Criminal Intent). I hear they're coming out with a new "Law and Order" -- called "The Special Moron's Unit" -- It's about incompetent attorneys who screw their partners through their incompetence. Yesterday at the library, someone left the attached in the magazine bin. -- A reference to my Westlaw Card at Akin Gump?

[Attached is the back cover of an issue of the ABA Journal: an ad for Westlaw that features a photo of a man's hands holding a card with the word "Westlaw" written on it. "Helen" is the name of Robert Strauss's wife, the former Helen Jacobs. I do not know the tenant Julianne Donofrio; building management used to post the birth dates of tenants on a bulletin board in the mail room.]

12-13-02 The country would have been better off if Harry Truman had decided to run and had been elected President in 1952. We wouldn't have all the problems we have today that started in the Eisenhower Administration. Things like split-level houses and pink flamingoes. By the way, wasn't it a Republican who sent federal troops to Little Rock to enforce desegregation? What's up with that? Does Trent Lott have a brain?

[Refers to Senator Lott's public statement that the country would have been better off if Strom Thurmond had been elected President of the United States in 1948, instead of Harry Truman.]

12-16-02 CLINTON - LOTT SHOWDOWN (edited for content)

PRESIDENT CLINTON: What goes around comes around and PB, baby. Payback.

TRENT LOTT: I'm not no mean person, man. I'm happy bein' a multi-millionaire Senator bustin' my ass for everything I have. I was happy before. You don't understand going back to my town. It's what you don't understand. I don't want to go back anymore. I don't want to be looked upon or frowned upon, and that's what's gonna happen. I find myself losing who I am here in the Senate. I came all this way, for what? To lose something inside me?

PRESIDENT CLINTON: Lose what inside you? Your bigotry? Your mean-spiritedness?

TRENT LOTT: I don't want to be mean. I was just happy bein' me. You keep running scenarios through your mind -- What's right, what's wrong, what's ethical. Just everything. It just drives you crazy.

PRESIDENT CLINTON: You turned on me. I have no respect for you. It really hurt me that we couldn't be friends. But I hope you understand and (smiling cynically) -- See ya!

(It's all Krista, all the time)

[Parody of statements from the CBS-TV reality series "Big Brother 2," from the summer of 2001. Most of the "Trent Lott" lines are drawn from the comments of Krista, a contestant from -- oddly enough -- Louisiana (it must be something in the water). Trent Lott led the impeachment campaign against former President Clinton.]

12-17-02 Barbara, the librarian, said the weirdest thing yesterday. She was spelling out someone's name to a patron on the telephone. You know, like "Wells" -- "W" as in water, "E" as in election, etc. Well when she got to the "S" in the name, she said "S" as in "Schama" -- Now -- Really! Simon Schama is a Professor at Columbia Univ and I quote him in my autobiography. Who says "S" as in "Schama"? That woman is so pretentious!

[Simon Schama wrote a book about the painter Rembrandt, which I quote prominently in my autobiography in the section on the philosopher Baruch Spinoza, a renegade who was excommunicated by the Amsterdam Jewish community in The Netherlands. My former psychiatrist, Stanley R. Palombo, MD, is a graduate of Columbia Medical School].

12-17-02 When I was a senior in college (Spring Term 1975) I took a course in Jewish history that was taught by the Rabbi at Hillel. There was a young lady in the class -- a student named Lisa Lippin -- a journalism major from Philadelphia. We were in the same graduating class (May 1975). We had no contact whatsoever. Just letting you know that I don't just notice penises. -- Sorry, Bruce Stein! Yesterday was Beethoven's birthday -- (232 years old) (He doesn't look a day over 200!) I listened to the Opus 132 string quartet. That's the one Daniel Ellsberg [Apartment] (146) asked me about in the exercise room, several years ago.

[Daniel Ellsberg, who gained notoriety by his act of leaking a secret history of the Viet Nam War to the "New York Times" in 1971 (the so-called Pentagon Papers), used to reside in my apartment building at 3801 Connecticut Avenue. He moved in the fall of 2003.

Note my associative process: both Bruce Stein and Lisa Lippin (like myself) were journalism majors. I used to see Bruce Stein naked ("exposed," like the government decisionmakers who ran U.S. policy in Viet Nam) in a locker room in college before and after a phys. ed. course. Both Stein and I took the same course in modern Southeast Asian history at Penn State (History 171) taught by Claire Hirshfield, Ph.D. (Stein and I didn't know each other.) Beethoven was known for his hatred of political tyranny and his highly-developed sense of morality. The Jewish religion sees itself as an "ethics-based" religion. What appear to be "loose associations" (Judaism, history, sexuality, penises, nudity, physical exercise, Beethoven, Viet Nam, Daniel Ellsberg, and journalism (a profession that "exposes" the truth)) are in fact cohesive and overdetermined. A highly-creative individual (who possesses a capacity for remote associations) might always appear to be psychotic to an inexperienced or incompetent psychiatrist.

12-18-02 I know my admission yesterday [that I had a sexual interest in females] raised the hopes of a lot of hot babes -- that maybe I'd be getting into the market. I'm not a player. I'm not even sure what team I want to be on. Here's another admission. I can remember first term, first year of college someone in philosophy class -- Jeff Conner. He graduated in May 1975. His picture in the yearbook -- well -- he looks like a girl. I wonder if he remembers first day of class with Dr. [Fred] Rieman -- 2:00 PM, Monday, Sept 27, 1971. One alligator, two alligator, three alligator, the Kitty Genovese case as it related to the topic of Duty and Responsibility. Gloria Goldsmith & Bill Devuono were in that class. The first day of class I sat in back of Conner -- later I sat in a different spot -- on first row.

[Bill DeVuono was in my high school graduating class (Central High School, 1971, 230th class); we were acquaintances. Gloria Goldsmith and I were in the same class in seventh and eighth grades in junior high school. On the first day of class in Rieman's philosophy course, Rieman took a Polaroid of the class and counted "one alligator, two alligator, three alligator," as he waited for the photo to develop. The first day of class we discussed the philosophical meaning of the Kitty Genovese case; a young woman who was murdered in an apartment courtyard while her neighbors did nothing in response to her desperate cries for help. My identification with Genovese at age 17 (as evidenced by my lifelong recollection of the class discussion on 9-27-71) is revealing. Psychoanalytically, we can infer that my current desperate circumstances parallel childhood feelings of desperation.]


TRENT LOTT [in a threatening tone]: If this thing doesn't get resolved soon, I may quit the Senate altogether and retire to Pascagoola. You'll end up with a 50/50 split in the Senate.

HILLARY CLINTON: O-o-o-o, I'm scared!

12-20-02 I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to type up all these notes on a computer disc. I've been communicating with you since mid-June 2001. That's a lot of notes -- about 400 notes. I could send the disc out to different people -- like members of Congress -- that would be fun. No-- it would be F - U - N

12-23-02 Happy birthday to me! -- The big four-nine. Did you notice that Trent Lott made the cover of "Newsweek" last week? I guess you could say Lott is quite literally the Senator that "Time" forgot. (A little Evan Thomas humor).

12-23-02 Here's somebody to look into: DOUGLAS ANDERSON. Dean, College of Communications, Pennsylvania State University (814) 863-1484. You can tell Dean Anderson that a '75 journalism major is on the road to a Pulitzer Prize!

12-24-02 Today, December 24, 2002 is the 36th anniversary of the great Christmas Eve snowstorm of 1966. Just don't mention that to Sid Dorfman -- He'll whack you over the head if he hears you say that.

[Dorfman and I were coworkers and friends at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. Subject graduated Central High School in June 1966 (225th class). We both worked with Hilliard Cohen (Central High School, June 1965, 224th class). Cohen and I attended subject's wedding in the summer of 1977 or 1978. Subject said he used to work with an annoying person who used to refer all the time to the great Christmas Eve snowstorm of 1966].

12-25-02 / 12-26-02 I'm thinking of going on strike. I just won't take medication, if I decide to strike. What does the medication do, really? It's a crutch for the clinic. It gives the impression that they're doing something, when, in fact, they're not doing anything. I've been at this clinic for over 6 (six) years now. How far have I come? What really gets me, is that for about 4 years at GW, those nut jobs kept saying I needed to take meds. Well, I've been taking meds -- and what? Not nothin'. It's crap. This will go on for years. Where is this going? I need to register my discontent, and believe me, I am discontented. This is the moral equivalent of WAR ! ! !

12/27/02 I notice that Kenya has its first new prime minister in 24 years -- and (Big Surprise!) his name is not Rubenstein. Here's something I had forgotten since high school, and it recently came back to me. I can recall that on one occasion David Rosenbaum (229th class) [Central High School, 1970] had started to write a string quartet. He had the first and second violin parts written to what, I guess, was the first movement. Not exactly the Beethoven C# minor quartet. I remember he got somebody to play it with him. People were standing around, some laughing. But it went on and on -- and you couldn't help but be impressed by Rosenbaum's seriousness of purpose. -- And now 50 resume pages later, well--

[Rosenbaum is now a professor of psychology at The Pennsylvania State University at College Park (with a resume that lists an extraordinarily extensive list of publications). Note the parallel between my description of the teen-age Rosenbaum ("seriousness of purpose") and my description of Cleveland Park Branch Librarian Brian Brown as "an earnest young man, a man who exemplifies 'the meaning of 'Meaning It.'" Don't get me wrong, sex and alcohol have their place. But there should be more to life than getting laid and getting wasted.]

12-30-02 Message for Howard Jacobson [-- an Akin Gump tax attorney] -- like I always said -- Say what you will about the goyim, but they know how to celebrate New Years. None of that fasting and praying and out-of-tune rams horns. For the Gentiles it's all about getting drunk and getting laid. I see them as a positive influence on the Jewish people. Say, Mr. Jacobson, I still remember seeing you, Trude [Jacobson's wife], and the kids on TV for that fund-raiser for Children's Hospital. I got a real charge out of your older son who was so proud of his kid brother's reading of his Haphtarah portion. -- Say, are you still a fan of the "Sports Illustrated" swim suit edition? What about that Israeli chocolate you used to sell? You know I can still remember seeing you in the office on Sunday Dec 23, 1990. --Check your billing records. Remember: "Taxation without Representation is Tyranny."

[Jacobson and I had offices on the firm's ninth floor in the year 1990. Note, as in an earlier message, the association of religion and sex. (One recalls Jeffrey Masson's observation: "I still considered myself a spiritual person, but I was becoming increasingly obsessed with sex." Analytically, the association of "tax attorney" and "chocolate" may be overdetermined references to anality. December 23 is my birthday. Note the reference to mentoring and warm fraternal feelings ("your older son who was so proud of his kid brother's reading of his Haphtarah portion"). Compare the note dated 12/27/02 -- specifically, my feelings of esteem and admiration for Rosenbaum's compositional effort.]

12-31-02 This medication Abilify is a real Catch-22 situation. The medication is so new that pharmacies won't have it available till January 2003, but the coupon for free meds (see reverse side of prescription) expires today -- December 31, 2002. By the way, you know what Boris Yeltsin's psychiatrist told Ambassador Bob Strauss? -- "Trust but Abilify"

["Trust but Abilify" is a play on President Reagan's motto concerning arms control agreements with the Soviet Union, "Trust but Verify."]

1-1-03 / 1-2-03 Nothing to report. Slow news day. Can you see going through another year of these notes? I'm a psycho-freak and the meds aren't helping. Like I told Judge Penn, the ravages of mental illness are indeed tragic.

[Back in the late 1990s I wrote a letter to U.S. District Court Chief Judge John Penn detailing my situation. The letter was sarcastic in tone and closed with the line: "Such are the tragic ravages of severe mental illness." Judge Penn must have thought I was a disrespectful wiseacre.]

1-3-03 I remember in high school chemistry [class,] all fall, my teacher used to say that her goal was to get to the "gas laws" by Christmas break. I wonder if she met her goal this past year. Did she get to the gas laws? And, on another front: [cut out from magazine] "I can't even remember the last time I had sex." Robert Plant

1-6-03 There's been a change in Barbara, the librarian. She leaves me alone now, totally ignores me. I see that as a good thing -- But I wonder what prompted that. Look into that!

1-7-03 My take on the Bush economic proposal: It's Keynes on crack!

1-8-03 The shit is going to hit the fan this afternoon, when I visit my psychologist [Dr. Shaffer] and psychiatrist [Dr. Cooper]. I'm going to press my demands to know what the heck is going on! I'm going to set out a list of specific and recognized criteria of psychological functioning and ask how I would be evaluated according to these criteria. Happy Birthday President Nixon! 90 years old! Was it yesterday or today or tomorrow?

1-08-03 / 1-09-03 Doc Shaffer refused to accept this document, yesterday 1-8-03.

Dr. Shaffer:

Please complete the following psychological assessment questionnaire. The questionnaire is based on specific and recognized criteria of personality functioning. It is hoped that in reviewing or completing the questionnaire, you will focus on specific problem areas in your work with me, and the causal links between my level of functioning and (1) my interpersonal difficulties and (2) indications for medical treatment.

1.(a) What is the patient's level of self-cohesion?

--level of integration
--dependency on object attachments
--sense of identity
--degree of complementary role play
--mechanisms used to maintain cohesiveness
--degree of identity diffusion

(b.) How does patient's level of self-cohesion impair his interpersonal relations?

(c.) What are the medical indications?

2.(a.) What is the level of patient's self-object differentiation?

--How does patient maintain self-object differentiation in the face of object attachments of varying intensity

See 1(b) and 1(c), above, and answer with respect to variable 2(a.)

3. Describe the patient's object relations

--Are his emotional relationships impoverished in any way?

--do they lack genuineness?

--does he have a capacity for object cathexis?

--Are his object relations merely need-satisfying?

--What is patient's level of object constancy?

--Are his relations superficial/transient?

--Does he engage in passive compliance?

--Are his attachments narcissistic?

See 1(b) and 1(c), above, and answer with respect to variable 3(a.)

4. What is patient's level of internalization?

--Does patient have a capacity for identification?

--Are patient's internalizations merely imitative or introjective?

SEE 1(b.) and 1(c.), above, and answer with respect to 4(a.)

5.(a.) What is the level of patient's ego organization?

--How is patient's ego organization affected by the absence of object attachment?

See 1(b) and 1(c), above, and answer with respect to 5(a.)

6(a) What is the level of the patient's reality resting?

SEE 1(b,) and 1(c.), above, and answer with respect to 6(a.).

7.(a.) What is the level of patient's impulse control?

SEE 1(b) and 1(c), above, and answer with respect to 7(a.)

8. What is the degree and sources of anxiety for patient?

--Does separation anxiety predominate

--Is there fear of abandonment

SEE 1(b) and 1(c), above, and answer with respect to 8(a)

9.(a) What is the patient's level of superego development?

--What is the nature of patient's moral standards/ideals

--Do his ideals tend to be imitative

--Do his ideals shift easily from one contradictory view to another?

--Does he depend on external objects to maintain his moral values?

SEE 1(b) and 1(c), above, and answer with respect to 9(a.)

10(a.) Describe patient's primary process functioning?



SEE 1(b.) and 1(c.), above, and answer with respect to 10(a.)

11(a.) Describe patient's defensive organization

--What are the predominant ego defenses?

12(a.) Describe patient's libidinal phase development with reference to constancy, level, and regressions.

13(a.) Describe patient's regressive potential

--How is patient's regressive potential affected by loss of object attachment

--Is regression easily reversed (under what conditions)?

1-10-03 My psychiatrist, Dr. Cooper, says she's unfamiliar with literature indicating that Paxil (paroxetine) [an antidepressant] is useful for the treatment of insomnia. I would like to direct her attention to Nowell PD et al. "Paroxetine in the Treatment of Primary Insomnia: Preliminary Clinical and EEG Sleep Data." Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, Volume 60, pages 89-95 (1999). As Lynn Margulies would say: "Read It!"

[Lynn Margulies is a brilliant and renowned microbiologist who has an encyclopedic knowledge of the literature in her field. She was the subject of a "New York Times Magazine" article several years ago. Whenever someone contradicts her professional opinion she will rattle off, from memory, the title of a published paper that supports her view, and state emphatically: "READ IT!" Margulies was married to famed astronomer Carl Sagan (now deceased).]

1-13-02 Here's somebody to look into: PETER SCHEINER. Central High School, 230th graduating class, 1971. We were in the same music theory class in 1970-1971 (senior year). He can give you the inside scoop on Joseph Ostrow, who taught renowned linguist, Noam Chomsky, now at MIT. Scheiner doesn't seem very promising. He lists no extracurricular activities and for career ambition he lists "undecided."

1-14-03 Message for Senator Lieberman-- I think John Edwards is better-looking than you. He has that nice goyish grin that you look for in a candidate. Yesterday at the library Velvel was talking about the upper-class in ancient Rome -- "The Patricians." I thought it was a reference to Pat Loud. Then Brian mentioned something about sexual orientation -- that was the clincher.

[In January 2003 PBS-TV broadcast a show on Lance Loud, and rebroadcast an episode of the PBS series "An American Family," originally aired in the year 1973. "An American Family," an early prototype of reality-TV programming, followed the daily lives of the Loud family, "a typical middle-class family," who lived in Santa Barbara, California. The oldest son, Lance Loud, was homosexual. The mother was named Pat Loud. I had mentioned to several people not associated with the library, including my psychologist (Dr. Shaffer), that I was a big fan of the show.]

1-15-03 Trivia question for Elliott Feldman -- In 11th grade social studies (1969-70 school year), in William Ruderman's class -- we had a student teacher (I forget his name, I think he was a student at LaSalle). As a parting gift the class got him what? ANSWER 1. A bottle of whiskey and 2. William L. Shirer's book, "The Collapse of the Third Republic."

[Feldman is now an attorney who practices insurance law in Philadelphia. In 9th grade English class, Feldman and I sat next to each other. A course assignment in that English class was "All Quiet on the Western Front," a World War I novel by Erich Maria Remarque.]

1-16-03 It's been unusually quiet in the library. What's up? Brian seems quite circumspect (or is it circumcised -- I always get the two confused). Brian has been using the phrase "the old-fashioned way" a lot. A reference to disbarment? Yesterday Brian kept mentioning Washingtoniana -- a reference to somebody named "Anna" or something that sounds like "Anna"-- [or Tony?] I'm at 15 mg/day Abilify -- an anti-psychotic med. Cool, huh? I take meds -- and they don't jeopardize my disability benefits. Happy snowstorm!

[Years earlier I had created a witty paraphrase of the Morgan Stanley advertising slogan: "DC BAR COUNSEL -- We disbar attorneys the old-fashioned way. One lawyer at a time." "The Old-Fashioned Way" (Morgan Stanley) might also refer to my former treating psychiatrist, Stanley R. Palombo, MD, apparently of Italian heritage. In an earlier message (11-22-02) I attributed disguised feelings of rage to Brian Brown, discharged in a barrage of double-entendres (so I believed) that referred manifestly to persons of Italian heritage; the "old country;" as well as "senile."

On 11-22-02 I interpreted Brian Brown's statement "Be that as it may" as a symbolic reference to Kurt R. Eissler, MD. Kurt Eissler, MD, was the founder of the Sigmund Freud Archives, an entity currently headed by Harold Blum, MD, who has professional connections with Dr. Palombo. Drs. Blum and Palombo co-chaired a professional seminar on the work of the psychoanalyst Erik H. Erikson in 1994 in New York City ("The Dream Specimen in Psychoanalysis.")

The paraphrase I created (concerning the DC Bar Counsel) was contained in a document on a computer disc that I had sent to numerous parties.

"Circumcised:" In Yiddish it's called a "Bris," which was also the title of a Seinfeld episode that I parodied in a previous message. That particular Seinfeld episode featured references to professional ethics and loss of license. In that episode a mohel (the person who performs a circumcision) states: "I should have been a kosher butcher like my brother. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life." "Nobody ruins this for me, it's my life, it's my livelihood!"

Analytically, note the intriguing connection between the notes dated 1-15 and 1-16. The note dated 1-15 poses a "trivia question," and uses the phrase "parting gift" (which is frequently used on TV game shows). The note dated 1-16 refers to the word "jeopardize:" "Jeopardy" is a popular TV trivia quiz show.

1-17-03 That was some snow storm, wasn't it -- all 1/2 inch of it! Laurie Kravitz ([Apartment] 236) is moving out -- that's a real loss to the 2d floor community.

[Kravitz and I did not know each other. Her apartment was directly above mine. She was very chatty and her voice used to travel through the ventilation duct to my apartment.]

1-20-03 / 1-21-03 Here's somebody to look into JONATHAN K. FEARS, M.D. Fears was an abstracter at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. Elena Saboe used to edit his work. He graduated from Haverford College with a B.A. in English. He received an MD from the University of Virginia Medical College and specializes in asthma, allergy, & immunology. He's in Huntingtown, Maryland -- 301 855-1644. He can give a summary of the culture at The Franklin Institute in the mid-seventies.

[Elena Saboe used to be my supervisor at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. She wrote a letter of recommendation for me for law school in 1979. Elena Saboe shared an office for several years (1976-1979) with an employee named Verlyn Hewer, whose husband, William Bener, Esq., is an attorney who practices in Doylestown, PA.]

1-22-03 Message for President Bush -- The French! Jacques Chirac is a crock. Don't take orders from Eurotrash. God Bless Tony Blair!

[Refers to international diplomatic conflict about the upcoming war in Iraq.]

1-23-02 I just learned yesterday that Dr. Jerry Mortimer Wiener died in September 2001. A real loss to the psychiatric community. Also, I would request that Dr. Sack's daughter reconsider her decision not to go into psychiatry. Radiology has too much math in it.

[The late Lawrence C. Sack, MD, a psychiatrist, had a professional office in my apartment building. I had read on the Internet that Dr. Sack's daughter decided to do a residency in radiology instead of her first choice, psychiatry, because of her concerns about the managed-care system. Dr. Sack's son, Robert Sack, MD, is a local psychiatrist.]

1-24-03 I'm not taking anti-psychotic meds (Abilify) anymore. It may have been causing insomnia. Do you notice the difference? Do I seem more irrational, out-of-control, wild, in need of supervision, on the verge of involuntary commitment, potentially violent, argumentative, even more paranoid than usual?

[Insomnia is a recognized side-effect of Abilify. I have a long history of insomnia, and have been medicated for the symptom since 1999.]


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