The Historiographer: A Grant of Immunity
November 29, 2004
Brian--
Hey, buddy. How was your holiday weekend? Are you still lying (as in resting, lying down, stretching out, reclining, or reposing), or are you just lying low?
This letter, like all my letters, does not begin as the statement of a fully grasped idea. How could it? I don't invest sufficient energy (intellectual or physical) in any one object to achieve anything fully, completely -- or to the fullest extent of nature's laws, as one might put it.
I've been doing nothing at all. I've simply been lying low -- as I have been for years -- safe and undetected within the heart of my apartment building, forswearing the world around me. There's nothing to prompt me to become active and do anything of a useful sort. What will cause me to become active, if I ever do so, isn't entirely clear at the moment. There are many mysteries about me that cry out for unraveling.
I trust you got your flu shot. You need a flu shot, you can't live without a flu shot. Immunity is always important. It's a good thing. Without immunity your whole life -- as you know it -- could unravel; you could be laid up for weeks. Once the viruses find you, once they make their inevitable discovery, you're finished. Don't believe the old wives' tale about informal immunity: there is no such thing. Last year's flu shot won't help you one darn bit. Of course, no one can force you to get a shot: it's purely voluntary. Watch out for corrupt doctors at public clinics, though. Deception and false promises of immunity are a common scam by public officials. They trick you into coming down to the clinic, and once you get there -- they tell you they've run out of flu shots. Likely story. Anyway, invoke your privilege. Get immunity. You look like a healthy guy, buddy. I think your constitution can stand it.
I confess. I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have no immunity. But then, I'm insane. One flu over the cuckoo's nest, and all that. If the virus got me, I wouldn't know what was going on anyhow. I'm oblivious. Isn't it obvious?
I thought I'd continue with the presentation of my diaries. This week I present the concluding portion that covers the period January 27, 2003 to August 19, 2003. That period of the diaries charts the development of my obsession with you, Brian. It's a sordid tale of false hopes and roads that should never have been taken. In any event, I plan to take you to the end of the line, so to speak -- a veritable "journey to Karlsbad."
Indeed, I have been taking you on a journey for the past several weeks. A journey includes at least a going from place A to place B, or to put it in terms of one of Freud's favorite Jewish jokes, from here to Karlsbad. The relevant story (Freud called it "the constitution story") is worth recounting. It concerns a Schnorrer: "An impecunious Jew had stowed himself away without a ticket in the fast train to Karlsbad. He was caught, and each time tickets were inspected he was taken out of the train and treated more and more severely. At one of the stations on his via dolorosa he met an acquaintance, who asked him where he was traveling to. 'To Karlsbad,' was his reply, 'if my constitution can stand it.'"
I have recorded in these pages my pain, my grief, and my sorrow. No outsider can follow the winding, internal path that leads a man like myself from despair to discovery, but the sensation of hitting bottom can sometimes stimulate an artist to abandon old commitments, embrace new ideas, and finally, confront what must be said or acknowledged. By early 2003 I had hit rock bottom, as the following entries attest. The loneliness I experienced during the dark days memorialized in these pages was acute, my binges catastrophic, my relationships with the several librarians in my life reflections of my instability, rage and confusion. But it was also at this time (as you will witness in the pages below) that I discovered the power of friendship -- albeit of the imaginary kind.
The imagery of the following diary entries interconnect with that of the journey and include views and prospects, locomotion, ascents and descents to heights and depths, explorations, demonstrations, light and fire, darkness. They are all involved with the map of the world within and the world outside the mind -- with how the world outside is registered within. The metaphors are aspects of the journey that lead to insight and outlook.
The unit of my communications, as I experience it, is not the Collected Writings, which I may some day attempt to publish (Good Luck with that endeavor!); nor is it the individual volume, or the sequence or group within the volume; it is the single message. Every written communication of mine is autonomous, or feels so to me in the writing, and consists of an effort to exhaust my present sense of the subject. It is for this reason that a letter sometimes takes a bit of time to finish. No message of mine is ever undertaken as a technical experiment; the form, which it takes, whether conventional or innovating, develops naturally as the message develops, as part of the utterance. Nor do my letters ever begin as the statement of a fully grasped idea; I think inside my lines and the thought must get where it can -- along the journey to Karlsbad, as it were -- amongst the moods and sounds and gravitating particulars which are appearing there.
My letters develop like the psychoanalytic narrative of the patient resting, lying down, stretching out, reclining, or reposing on the analyst's couch. Utterance follows utterance, immune from the censorship of the analyst, who listens to the patient's confession with evenly-hovering attention. Patterns of thought and feeling emerge over time. The inevitable outcome is a delineation of the individual human comedy. With the termination of the analysis, one might say: "Comoedia finita est."
Freud's great work "The Interpretation of Dreams" has been described as a journey through a landscape. Leonard Shengold writes: "In my paper on Freud's use of metaphor I examined some implications of a few of the images that Freud intertwined with his central metaphoric plan in the dream book -- that plan being a journey through a landscape. I indicated what I feel is a crucial place in the journey of that book: a turning point at the beginning of chapter 7 ["a fresh start," one might say], where Freud changes direction to plunge into the depths of the wishes of the unconscious (a 'veritable hell' -- like Dante, Freud undertakes a cosmic exploration involving the mind and the universe). That turning point is marked by the dream of the burning child. The speech in that dream is, "Father, don't you see I'm burning?" The dream and therefore the dream question are not Freud's own, but they can be linked with the exhibitionistic urination of the child Freud in his parents' bedroom (which brought on his father's unforgettable comment 'That boy will come to nothing'), and with his own dream after the death of his father: 'You are requested to close the eyes'. Both dreams refer to sight, to the metaphor of sight as understanding: and both dreams are to be connected with the mature and measured assessment of Freud's achievement, addressed to the fathers of this world, to heed or ignore at their peril: 'Insight such as this comes to one's lot but once in a lifetime.' By 1931 the child's burning had been tempered to a cool glance backward at the white heat of inspiration that marked the years following the death of his father."
Check you out next week, buddy. Remember, when you glance backward, keep your eyes on oncoming traffic. As an ancient Greek king was destined to discover -- with tragic consequences -- the road can be a real killer. Always think ahead.
_________________________________________________________________________
The Diaries
[During the period June 2001 to August 2003 I believed that the resident manager of my apartment building, David Castleberry (2000 - 2003), used to enter my apartment surreptitiously each day. I used to leave him a handwritten message taped to the inside of the front door. I had begun that practice in mid-June 2001 and continued writing notes and taping them to the door until the summer of 2003, when David Castleberry quit. The messages were addressed to "Friend." I pretended that I didn't know it was David Castleberry who was reading the notes. It was my (paranoid) belief that David Castleberry reported back to attorney managers at Akin Gump the content of the message I left on the door each day. I further believed that Akin Gump's attorney managers then informed Brian Brown at the library of the content of the daily message.]
1-27-03 Did you see the Sunday NY Times Magazine article about George W. Bush? They say he makes Pres. Reagan look like a moderate. What they meant, but didn't say, was that George Bush makes Ronald Reagan look like a fag! You heard it here first! -- Like I said 12 years ago: New Key Rock!
[In the early 1970s, while running for Mayor of Philadelphia, then Police Commissioner Frank Rizzo said that he would make Attila the Hun look like a fag.]
1-28-03 Message for Mr. Castleberry [please transmit]. This is the right and prudent time to institute on-line direct payment of rent. With a war coming -- and all that entails, including homeland involvement such as terrorist attacks, germ/chem/radiological warfare -- people may not be able to transact business at their bank. With on-line rent payment, tenants won't even have to leave the building. Think about it. It's the patriotic thing to do. Talk it over with the WRIT home office. -- [hand drawn picture of the American flag, then the message:] God Bless Rent. In just a few months Washington could be a far different place from what it is at this moment. Different from anything we can now imagine -- Only the prepared will survive!
1-29-03 Ignacio, from the library is gone for good, I think. And he didn't even kiss me good-bye. What kind of person is he?
[Ignacio (last name?) worked at the circulation desk at the Cleveland Park Library.]
1-30-03 Last afternoon, at my psychologist's, we talked about Steve Routh, an attorney (partner) at Hogan & Hartson. Routh's wife (Linda Stein) had a baby boy Robert Martin Routh in January 1987. Routh had a degree from the London School of Economics. I wonder if Routh knew Glenn Fine, an economics major from Harvard (Routh was a Harvard grad). Routh and Fine worked in nearby offices, when Fine was a law clerk at H&H. I wonder if Routh knew that Fine was VERY SPECIAL. I knew that.
[Steve Routh clerked for DC Appeals Court Judge John M. Ferren, who heard my appeal, Freedman v. DC Department of Human Rights in the year 1994, which was dismissed for lack of jurisdiction. (I believe that Judge Ferren himself had once practiced at Hogan). Routh worked in the education practice group at Hogan; Routh was a member of a large team of attorneys, under Elliott Mincberg (now with "People for the American Way" -- a constitutional rights advocacy organization) and David Tatel, Esq. (now an associate judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit) who represented the Milwaukee, WI public school district in desegregation litigation. I worked with Routh on a document production task in late December 1986 to early January 1987. Routh was an idealist who named his first child, Robert Martin, for Robert F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. I always wondered what a psychoanalyst would say about the Oedipal (or other) implications of naming one's son, a first child, for two persons who were murdered. Glenn Fine is now Inspector General of the United States. He was a Rhodes Scholar and a star basketball player as a Harvard undergrad; his law degree is from Harvard. Esquire magazine's December 2003 issue featured a one-page article on Fine (page 200): "Glenn Fine: The Conscience of the D.O.J."]
1-30-03 Richard Reid gives a whole new meaning to the phrase-- "He has his foot in the door."
[Richard Reid, the so-called "show bomber," was a terrorist who concealed explosives in his shoe.]
1-31-03 Here's another Hogan partner who may remember Glenn Fine from the time in 1985 that Fine worked as a law clerk at the firm -- George H. Mernick, III 637-5726. Mernick worked on the 2nd floor at 815 Conn Ave in fall 1985 -- near Nancy Kent (in accounting).
2-3-03 I'll tell you my one recollection of George Mernick. It was the final days at 815 Connecticut Avenue in early April 1987. The building management at 815 Conn Ave was already starting up its renovation for the new major tenant. There was drilling of the terrace outside the building. The drilling was very noisy. Somebody (apparently not with the firm) asked Mernick what was going on. Mernick said we were moving to a new building, the other party said: "A new building?" Mernick said "A brand-new building!" -- Thus spoke George Mernick in April 1987.
[Hogan & Hartson moved to Columbia Square (555 13th Street, NW) in April 1987. One of the tenants at 815 Connecticut Avenue was Clark Clifford, Esq., former Secretary of Defense and a friend of Robert Strauss. Clifford's law partner was Robert Altman, Esq.]
2-4-03 Today's Birthdays: Stanley R. Palombo, MD (69) / Daniel D. Cutler (40). -- The above is the most persuasive evidence against the validity of astrology!
[Stanley R. Palombo, MD, was my treating psychiatrist in the year 1990. I worked with Cutler at Hogan & Hartson; he later went to law school (Seton Hall in New Jersey).]
2-5-03 Yesterday David Grady gave me a testy look when he saw me. Is it just coincidence that Grady is a Hogan attorney & I've been communicating with you recently about Hogan attorneys -- such as Steve Routh and George Mernick? That's a case in point about why I can't practice law. The jealousy is so EXTREME.
[David Grady, Esq. has been a tenant at 3801 Connecticut Avenue since at least 1990.
A preoccupation with envy or jealousy is a diagnostic criterion of a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). My current treating psychologist, Israella Bash, Ph.D., denies that I suffer from NPD.]
2-6-03 Like I told my psychologist yesterday-- I felt that Brian at the library was reacting to something that made him jealous. He was having a quiet "tantrum" -- Brian that is. What was Brian reacting to? I think Brian is just a jealous M-F'er. -- Then Dr. Shaffer [my psychologist] said she's getting cut from the system. That the city's no longer going to provide psychological services. What am I going to do? I'm just a helpless psychotic. I'll have to go elsewhere.
[The term "M-F'er" might be an Oedipal allusion.]
2-7-03 / 2-10-03 I've been so depressed since I heard that I'm losing my psychologist. I stayed in bed (more or less) all weekend (Fri-Sun) just sleeping and staring into space in a stupor. This is bad. The District has been systematically dismantling the mental health system. All that's left is psychiatrists to prescribe meds. It's inhuman. It's going to take me some time to get past this.
2-11-03 I'm still depressed about the mental health situation here in the District. What I'm thinking about is contacting some high-ranking official, and ask if I can become his pen-pal. That should get some attention.
2-12-03 Here's the name of Sid Dorfman's predecessor at The Franklin Institute: Castle Freeman. Freeman left in about 1972. He and I had no contact. Freeman can give insight into the culture of the Institute at that time. -- You know, I could die in a terror attack at any time. I want you to know it's been good knowing you.
[I worked with coworker and friend Sid Dorfman at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. Dorfman obtained a B.S. in biology at Temple University in 1970. We attended the same high school.]
2-13-03 I've mentioned this before-- But you need a civil defense plan. Duck tape, duck tape, duck tape. As far as I see there's no plan at all. It's each tenant for himself. What is wrong with you people?
2-14-03 Later, dude.
2-17-03 / 2-18-03 / 2-19-03 I'm starting with a new psychologist -- Meghana Tembe at GW's Center for Professional Psychology -- a new beginning. -- Did you survive the storm? --
FREEDMAN: I'm coming back to GW!
DR. WIENER: Over my dead body!!
[Jerry M. Wiener, MD, was the chairman of the psychiatry department at GW, where I was in treatment from September 1992 to June 1996. Dr. Wiener died in early September 2001.]
2-20-03 I think that Mr. Pius and Mr. Doug did an outstanding job with the snow. They selflessly battled the elements during and after the storm of the century, all for the greater good of the residents. I recommend that those fine men be given a bonus of $50 each. Remember, a storm like this is a once-in-a-century occurrence.
[Doug and Pius were the building engineers at 3801 Connecticut Avenue, my residence.]
2-21-03 Message for Brian-- Please get the "A-Drive" fixed on the computer. Sure, it was cute in the beginning -- humorous, even -- but now it's just plain annoying. And I'm getting really p.o.'d. Get the damn thing fixed, Brian.
2-24-02 I had my first session with my new psychologist at GW on Friday (2-21-03) -- Meghana Tembe. She's good, if you can get through her accent -- She's from India. You can call her at the clinic (202) 887-0775. -- By the way, if I run into financial problems, I'm thinking I could move in with Brian -- I could be his butler -- Put his clothes out for him, run his bath, get him his coffee, arrange secret trysts with babes!
[Note that the very first reference to a friendship with Brian Brown (in the guise of a professional relationship) seems to be a negation of my relationship with my new psychologist, Meghana Tembe. Arguably, from the outset, my fantasies of closeness to Brian were a reaction to a relationship with a psychologist who I did not like at first sight.]
2-25-03 I have my second assessment session this morning with my new psychologist at GW. Meghana Tembe. I can't tell you how many evaluations and assessments I've gotten in my life. -- Brian hasn't voiced any interest in my becoming his butler. I'd be willing to do his wife. In fact. I could sleep with his wife, and Brian could sleep in the servants quarters. It's Oedipal.
2-26-03 Message for Brian -- Listen, Brian -- I was over at the West End Branch of the library system yesterday. That place was like a real library -- no chatting librarians, no noise, no librarians talking about their wive's first homosexual husband. I'm sorry to say it, but, you can't run a library. Cleveland Park is run like a social club. Moreover-- they have four computers over there, and you don't have to be hunched over to use them. They have privacy screens right on the computers. What's up with that?
[William Dacosta's wife, Debra (also a DC librarian), was previously married to a homosexual. Dacosta himself is a medicated bi-polar psychotic who takes lithium and Risperdal to control delusions and hallucinations. Isn't it odd that a patron should know all that by simply sitting in the library? On one occasion Dacosta permitted a patron to talk to him (in a loud, disruptive voice) about masturbation and fellatio. William Dacosta is Brian Brown's only male colleague.]
2-27-03 Did you catch Doug Feith last night on the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather? He's the Under Secretary of Defense. Douglas Feith -- Central High School, 230th class, 1971. Do you think Dan knew that?
2-28-03 / 3-3-03 Message for Brian. Brian-- would you sleep with me? It's not sexual. It's a Michael Jackson thing. Sure it might generate a lot of gossip. But, you know, let people talk!
3-4-03 It's almost 24 years to the day in March 1979 when Malcolm Lassman and Larry Hoffman snagged that giant fish and had it mounted in the lunch room at Akin Gump. An amazing catch.
[The lunch room at Akin Gump features a gag "fish" made of metal, with a plaque that indicates the date in March 1979 that Malcolm Lassman and Lawrence Hoffman caught it.]
3-5-03 Message for Brian-- What do you do on Mondays, Brian, now that the libraries are closed? You know, I was thinking we could make Monday "our day" Brian. We could hang out, go places, do things. We could be buddies Brian -- and Mondays could be "our day." I'm thinking, in the summer, we could head up to Baltimore and take in a ball game and have a hot dog or two. What do you say? Sounds good, huh? You need a friend, Brian. You spend too much time at the library. You need a buddy who'll show you how to live a little. That's me, buddy! Call me (202) 362-7064. I'll be waiting.
3-6-03 / 3-7-03 I had my last session with my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, on Wed 3-5-02. Onward and upward to GW I go!
3-10-03 / 3-11-03 I think the DC Gov't is screwed-up. My mental health clinic pharmacy ran out of my sleep medication early last week (a common med) and still hasn't received its order. I was given the old standby this morning (3-10) on the telephone: "Could you call back tomorrow?" -- You know, it's the Jews who are behind this!
[The reference to anti-Semitism alludes to Congressman Jim Moran's allegation that it was primarily the Jews who were in favor of going to war with Iraq.]
3-12-03 I just got a letter from Social Security saying they're reviewing my case. I got a big case of the "war jitters" -- What will the outcome be? I could lose this thing -- or win it in a matter of weeks. -- Message for Jim Moran-- I didn't know Tony Blair was Jewish.
3-13-03 Things are quiet at the library. Brian is on vacation to the 19th of March. I still have war countdown jitters.
[Note the connection between the subject matter of the message on 3-12 (war) and the reference to the "quiet" at the library: a possible association to the war novel "All Quiet on the Western Front." I read the novel in ninth-grade English class in high school. (See message dated 3/14).
3-14-03 Slow news day. Beware the Ides of March, which is coming up.
[The Ides of March is an apparent association to "Julius Caesar," a Shakespeare play I read in ninth-grade English class.]
3-17-03 I've got the war jitters really bad. I can't tell you how nervous I am about this. What is that expression Americans use? "The shit is being frightened from my anus?"
3-18-03 / 3-19-03 BUY BONDS TODAY! WAR! As you can see I'm stocking up on supplies. This is only the beginning of a massive stockpile to insure my ability to last out a major siege of Washington. I plan to survive this thing. Now, what about direct payment of rent online. Remember -- only the prepared will survive.
3-20 / 3-21-03 / 3-24-03 The Iraqi Ambassador to the United Nations -- Mohammed Al-Doury -- is in violation of the No-Comb Zone. Did you see that guy? He's bald, but he has one of those "comb-over jobs."
3-25-03 SHOCK AND AWE.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: I have seen it all. You can't shock me, you can't even annoy me. --
I'm lovin' the new exercise room-- Thank you, WRIT!
["WRIT" is the Washington Real Estate Investment Trust.]
3-26-03 Tell you what I really like in the new exercise room is the "natural runner" machine. You get a good aerobic workout-- and it's very low impact. Good choice of machinery! [Cut out from magazine article referring to Bob Strauss and his wife:] "All Bob would have to say was 'It would be nice if I had a newspaper.' It would be midnight [and] Helen would run out to get a newspaper."
[If I could have found a wife like that, I'd have gotten married years ago.]
3-27-03 / 3-28-03 David Bloom-- You put the "B" in NBC.
[David Bloom was an NBC reporter who was killed several weeks later, covering the war in Iraq.]
3-31-03 IN MEMORY OF THE FALLEN
IGNACIO (Hot Latino)
DEBRA (Ghetto Fabulous)
TERRI (Ebony Hottie)
BREW SNYDER (Wittiest)
LYNNE BOZE (Best Southern Accent)
RONNIE (Least Vulnerable)
MR. PEOPLES (Biggest)
R. I. P.
e n e
a a
d c
e
[Refers to former library staff persons. I believed that all of the named persons knew about Brian Brown's communications with Akin Gump managers. Bruce Snyder replaced Lynne Boze as one of the librarians in about 1992. Ronnie was the children's librarian. Mr. Peoples was the custodian who preceded Alex Chandler. Terri and Debra worked at the circulation desk.]
4-1-03 I have a feeling your contacts have already contacted Richard & Bonnie Moses, so I won't bother giving you background facts on those people.
[Richard Moses, D.O., a gastroenterologist with a law degree from Temple University Law School, was in my graduating class in high school, Central High School, 230th class, 1971. His wife, Bonnie, is a lawyer who worked for Leonard Sagot Associates, and may have known Jeffrey Orchinik, Esq., who used to practice at Sagot & Jennings.
Inserted at this point is a solicitation from The Central High School Capital and Endowment Campaign: an invitation by Judge Lawrence S. Margolis (Central High School, 199th class) for Cocktails and Conversation on April 8, 2003 at The United States Court of Federal Claims, Washington. Judge Margolis' chambers is (202) 219 9581.]
4-2-03 Brian -- Psy-Ops. I hope you understand I've just been fucking with your head -- nothing more. It's all good, clean fun.
4-3-03 Anyway, like I was saying -- on Tuesday, 4-1-03, I was walking along 23rd Street, and I saw Jim Stewart of CBS-NEWS. He saw me, gazed at me, I looked away -- turned to him -- and he was still looking at me. I was sure he recognized me. But how? He was carrying a "carryout" lunch -- a few steps away from the CBS studio on 23rd Street. I'm Famous!
[The phrase "Anyway, like I was saying" suggests to me that I had already begun to leave messages to Brian Brown on the library's public access computer hard drive by this date, and that I was continuing a message that I had begun at the library.]
4-4-03 Here's a flash from the past: MARCIA CHASE. She worked at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia in the early 70s. I and some other folks had lunch over at her apartment in (I think) the summer of 1972. Marcia Chase made gazpacho. She worked with Barbara Van Horne. They worked for Joe Pitts. Those were the days! I was 18 years old and moving up in the world (briefly).
4-4-03 BONUS Elizabeth Joyce is always going on about the British -- the defenders of liberty! I notice she never talks about the Queen's uncle -- he was a Nazi sympathizer. Actually, I'm a lot like the Duke of Windsor, myself, except for the money, the sex, and the Nazi connections.
[Elizabeth Joyce used to work at the front desk at 3801 Connecticut Avenue. She retired in the summer of 2003, after about 17 years at the building. I thought that she knew all about the invasions of my privacy by Elaine Wranik and David Castleberry. I also think she knew all about my difficulties at Akin Gump.]
4-07-03 / 4-8-03 So much for Bob Simon's advice on surviving in Iraq!
[Refers to the death of NBC-News reporter David Bloom in Iraq. Simon, a CBS-News reporter -- who was captured by Iraqis during the Persian Gulf War in 1991 -- had written that there was one sure way to survive in Iraq: "Just keep your eyes and your balls covered." In 1991 Simon and his news crew had been captured along a desert road in war-torn Iraq, and held captive by Saddam loyalists for forty days.
Excursus: It was in a trifurcation of the road, where Oedipus "had killed the old man who had tried to thrust him out of the path -- the old man who has turned out to be his father, Laius: 'For now I am found evil and of evil birth. O ye three roads, and thou secret glen -- thou coppice and narrow way where three paths met -- Ye who drank from my hands that father's blood which was my own, -- remember ye, perchance, what deeds I wrought for you to see, -- and then, when I came hither, what fresh deeds I went on to do?' Karl Abraham held the trifurcation of the road as the symbol of the maternal genitals, the place of traffic with the father and the son. (This interpretation is certainly reinforced by the words 'secret glen' and 'coppice and narrow way.') In the speech, the mother's genitals become charged with oral-sadistic libido and drink blood. The 'place where three paths meet' is called on to witness the past, 'the deeds I wrought for you to see.' This is after Oedipus has destroyed his own sight, has symbolically castrated himself. (Eyes are related to testicles symbolically and etymologically -- note the German Eier (egg) [compare message at 5-15-03, below, that refers to eggs] and Auge (eye) -- and testicles literally means 'little witnesses.') I have stated that part of soul murder is the consequences of seduced children taking on the guilt of the seducing parent. By assuming the adult's lies and denial, the children renounce their own ability to see what is and has been. They cease being reliable witnesses to the past and to present repetitions of the past." Shengold, L. "Soul Murder: The Effects of Childhood Abuse and Deprivation" at 48 (New Haven, Yale University Press, 1989).]
4-9-03 Brian-- Pick a day -- and order the tickets. How about June 30 -- Orioles/Yankees. Just you & me, buddy! [Attached is the Baltimore Orioles Camden Yards Home Game Schedule (2003).]
4-11-03
GEORGE BUSH: Hello, Madame.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Madame? What are you calling me Madame for?
GEORGE BUSH: Those are ladies glasses.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Ladies glasses?
GEORGE BUSH: Sure, says right here, "Gloria Vanderbilt Collection."
SADDAM HUSSEIN: That son of a bitch sold me ladies glasses!
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode. Saddam Hussein had appeared on television with large-framed glasses, a rare sight. Note the connection between this note and the preceding one dated 4/7 ("Just keep your eyes and your balls covered") as well as the note on 4-9 ("Take me out to the 'ball game'")]
4-11-03 THE BAGHDAD CAFE
SADDAM HUSSEIN: I gotta get out of this city!
GEORGE BUSH: So, you're tunneling to the center of the earth?
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]
4-14-03 Could you tell Mr. Castleberry that it's about time to start thinking about putting the summer furniture up on the roof. We're heading for some warm, summer-like days. -- Also, speaking of the roof -- on Saturday (4-12) at about 5:30 PM, somebody was barbecuing on a grill on the roof. Can you do that? Isn't that a fire hazard? Hot coals and all that.
4-15-03 MESSAGE FOR SYRIA
GEORGE BUSH: We demilitarize countries the old-fashioned way -- One regime at a time.
4-16-03 As you know, 3883 Connecticut Avenue, across the way. is now renting to tenants. The apartment directly across from my apartment -- the first terrace above the tool shed -- has been rented to a good-looking young guy. He comes out onto the terrace from time to time, to smoke a cigarette. Maybe you could induct him into providing covert information about me to you. He frequently looks across to my apartment and sees me. (I've been behaving -- no nudity and no masturbating in front of my neighbor across the way).
[Note that the message on 4/14 refers to a smoking barbecue; the message on 4/16 refers to a smoking tenant.]
4-17-03 Tell you who I think about from time to time -- "Ari" -- (not Ari Fleischer) -- He used to be a tenant in the building. Elizabeth Joyce will remember him. He looked like a fine young man -- A young man with character. I had identified him as someone who was probably going places in life. Now, several years later, I wonder what he's doing -- whether he has fulfilled his "early promise." Tell him to give me a call if you talk to him.
[Note that the messages on 4/16 and 4/17 both concern the issue of tenancy. In the message on 4/16 I refer to the issue of "being peered at" and in the message on 4/17 I refer to the act of "peering at" a tenant.]
4-17-03 Message for Malcolm Lassman: This is the 12th Passover you've ruined for me! When will the insanity end?
4-18-03 Happy Easter to my Christian friends. -- Did you talk to Ari? Is he on a safari?
4-21-03 TO TELL THE TRUTH
KITTY CARLISLE: I think Saddam No. 3 is the real Saddam. He's the only contestant who knew about the 60% discount at J&T Optical.
SADDAM NO. 3: Retail is for suckers!
[The message is a parody of a Seinfeld episode.]
4-22-03 Message for Condaleeza Rice -- In a novel titled "The Cobra Event" published in 1997 (6 years ago) (a book about germ warfare), Richard Preston writes that the French Unscom inspectors weren't interested in finding any WMD in Iraq -- that the inspectors were ordered by the French Gov't not to find anything in Iraq -- That was six years ago! See p. 115.
[The French were supposedly opposed to war with Iraq because of their commercial interests in Iraq. The previous message (4/21) refers to concealing the truth and commercial interests at a retail level.]
4-23-03 If you're wondering where all this paper comes from, a tenant, Mike Epstein, threw it away. It's all "Star Wars" crap. I thought that kid Epstein was a nut-job. -- By the way, today is Shakespeare's birthday (and the anniversary of his death -- He died on his birthday).
[Epstein was a tenant in apartment 108. He was a graduate of Utica College, I believe.]
4-24-03 Jonathan Belmont, MD, -- graduated first in his class at my high school -- Central High School, 230th class, 1971. Smart guy. He's signed up for classmates.com -- so he's obviously willing to talk. He can give you the inside dope on another class star, Doug Feith -- Now Undersecretary of Defense. By the way, in the class yearbook, Feith was elected "Honorary Faculty Member" -- He hasn't changed.
[Belmont is an ophthalmologist. Once again, a reference to the eyes. Incidentally, Belmont was sports editor on the school newspaper. (Eyes = balls = baseball? See messages for 4/7, 4/9, and 4/11).]
4-25-03 Sheldon Kanfer graduated third in my high school class (230th class, 1971). Smart guy. He was in the school orchestra; I think he played the flute. He can give you the inside dope on Douglas Feith, Undersect'y of Defense in the Bush Administration. The Internet lists Kanfer as a donor to the Columbus (Ohio?) Symphony Orchestra.
4-28-03 4-29-03 I've got something big planned for you for next week. It's going to be stupendous -- but you'll have to wait.
4-30-03 Stephen I. Kasloff, Esq. Central High School, 228th Class (1969). He was two years ahead of me in high school. He didn't know me, but we attended the same elementary school (Rowan Elem Sch). When he was in the 6th grade, I was in the 4th grade. I remember him because we were both library volunteers in elementary school -- under Mrs. Mary Stevens, a teacher. Kasloff was on the Bd of Managers of the CHS Alumni Association.
4-30-03 BONUS Did you check into Santo Diano, my 10th grade geometry teacher? (and homeroom teacher). He was a graduate of Central High School and was an alumnus, served as the school archivist.
5-1-03 Yesterday, Mrs. Joyce said to me, "Hello Gary, how are you?" -- Well, I didn't want to cause a row, but it's not appropriate. The downstairs staff should not be addressing me directly. After all, how does Mrs. Joyce know that I am not a peer, in which case I would be addressed as "Lord Freedman." I'm not a peer, but Mrs. Joyce doesn't know that. The bottom line is you need to remind staff of protocol. Long live the empire!
[Elizabeth Joyce was the front desk person at 3801 Connecticut Avenue. She was from London, England.
Note that the word "Peer" (an English lord) has a double meaning; it also means "to look at," or peer at.
Note that the Upstairs/Downstairs dichotomy in the message on 5/1 parallels the respective messages at 4/11 ("tunneling to the center of the Earth) and 4/14 ("going up to the roof"). The reference to "Lords" (persons of elevated status) and "downstairs staff" (persons of debased status) might allude to a family romance fantasy. (See message below, dated 5-5-03).]
5-2-03 Have a good weekend. I might get together with Brian, if he gives me a call.
5-5-03 / 5-6-03 [Message appended to a picture of a farmer holding a hoe. Background depicts a farm house, windmill, and silos.] I'm a sheep-fucker, and my grandson is a librarian. We've moved up over the generations!
[Refers to Brian Brown, whose grandfather lived in Montana. The term "sheep-fucker" might be an allusion to Sophocles' Oedipus. Oedipus, the son of a king, was banished from Thebes in infancy and raised by a lowly shepherd.
According to Dorothy Burlingham the fantasy of having a twin sibling is a latency fantasy, Oedipal in origin, in which the child imagines that he has a twin sibling who will provide narcissistic mirroring and thereby propitiate the loneliness engendered by the child's Oedipal rage and associated annihilation anxiety. Burlingham, D. "The Fantasy of Having a Twin." The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, volume I. (See message below, dated 5-7-03).]
5-7-03 Brian, buddy, I like you. Why won't you be my friend? I feel so sad and alone.
[My first meeting with Israella Bash, Ph.D. occurred on about May 2, 2003. At this time the only human contacts I had were with three female mental health professionals whom I disliked: Dr. Bash, Dr. Cooper (my psychiatrist), and Meghana Tembe (my psychotherapist at GW).]
5-8-03 Somebody to look into: Leonard Goldstein, MD. Classmates.com. Central High School 1971 (230th class). I have a funny anecdote about Goldstein. In 10th grade, the hygiene teacher was talking about the evils of masturbation, cautioning students not to engage in such activity. I was sitting next to Goldstein. Apparently, Goldstein didn't know what the word meant -- he started leafing through his dictionary trying to find out what masturbation was. Jerry Seinfeld said he didn't find out till he was in college. Maybe I was precocious.
[Goldstein was in my graduating class at Penn State, May 1975. He was a pre-med major.]
5-9-03 Happy Birthday, Bonnie Jensen! I didn't get you a gift, Bonnie, but remember, Life is a gift!
[Jensen is the assistant manager at 3801 Connecticut Avenue, my residence.]
5-12-03 / 5-13-03 Somebody to look into: Scott Nunamaker. Central High School, 230th Class, 1971. Supersmart. Was in Ming the Merciless's English Class in the ninth grade -- 67-68 sch year. I don't know anything else about him.
[My ninth-grade English teacher, Elliott Cades, known by students as "Ming the Merciless," was a very demanding teacher. He was a graduate of Central High School himself, and had taught there at least since the 1930s. He had a law degree. Perhaps he vented his frustrations in life on his students. He was unmarried, and died at age 83 in the year 1986.]
5-14-03 Here's the inside dope on Bill Einhorn, Esq. -- The great and glorious Bill Einhorn. (Central High School, 230th class, 1971.) He was not one of the super smart kids in high school. He made Barnwell, but he wasn't scholastic (and he wasn't involved in any athletics). In the immortal words of Lloyd Bentsen -- "You're no Jeff Orchinik" (Orchinik was brilliant).
[Einhorn, a graduate of Temple Law School, practiced at the Philadelphia firm of Sagot & Jennings at the time I clerked there (1981-1982). The Barnwell Award is an academic honor at Central High School. Einhorn's father owned a fruit/produce/fish market on Stenton Avenue, in Philadelphia.]
5-15-03 Mrs. Joyce needs to lose some weight. Those extra pounds are not good for her health. I've been following the following diet -- and I've lost about 10 pounds. It's high protein -- low carbohydrate. -- Spinach (10 oz.) -- a little bit of cheese for a snack -- omelet (main evening meal) [compare message at 4-7-03, above, that refers to eggs] -- skim milk (for snack in evening). No bread! No potatoes! No rice!
5-16-03 The crazies were out last night! I must have gotten about 5 to 6 bizarre telephone calls last night.
5-19-03 / 5-20-03 Michael Morrison, MD. Central High School, 230th Class, 1971. According to the most recent alumni newsletter Morrison made a financial contribution to the Central High School "General Fund" -- Super bright kid -- Didn't know him.
5-21-03 Mr. Pius or Mr. Douglas -- Thank you for changing my air filter.
5-23-03 Have a safe and enjoyable holiday weekend -- and I'll see you Tuesday!
5-27-03 If you're looking for the "story behind the story" on Ming the Merciless, contact Dr. Norman S. Knee, Central High School, 186th class. [Attached is blurb on Dr. Knee, DO, FACOFP, who sent the alumni bulletin "a fascinating story of a series of memorable contacts with teacher Elliot Cades (who he referred to as 'Ming the Merciless'), during Knee's stay at Central, during his service in the United States Army of Occupation in Japan, and the aftermath of those experiences."]
5-27-03 THE ROAD MAP
BIBI NETANYAHU: What about the terrorism, the violence, the settlements, the refugee problem?
THE PRIME MINISTER: I propose that for the moment we place all these questions aside, and pursue our way further along one particular path.
[Refers to the Middle-East conflict. Note Dr. Shengold's observation that the metaphors that interconnect with that of the journey are all involved with the "map of the world" within and the world outside the mind. The line attributed to "The Prime Minister" (above) is, in fact, a quote from Freud's "Interpretation of Dreams."]
5-28-03 I'll tell you who I think is a weirdo-- Stanley Schmulewitz. He works out in the exercise room in his street clothes. Isn't that against the rules. Gives you an idea of the mentality of the tenants association as a whole!
[Schmulewitz, who has lived at 3801 Connecticut Avenue for the last 35 years, used to be president of the tenants' association.]
5-29-03 Did you see Mr. Pius' new car? Beautiful. I keep checking it out -- The design, the color -- tres cool!
5-30-03 Here's another item I picked up from my high school alumni bulletin-- The current rabbi and immediate past president of Jewish Congregation Beth El in Bethesda are graduates of my high school (Central High School in Philadelphia).6-2-03 / 6-3-03 After all these years we find out that Richard Chamberlain is homosexual. Right. Big surprise! Do you remember, back in 1992 when Aaron Ezekiel told Malcolm about how he tore up my "Dr. Kildare" collectible cards [in the fourth grade]? I know all & see all!
[Ezekiel and I were friends in elementary school. I mentioned Ezekiel in a letter I sent to my sister in 1992. I believe Akin Gump managers contacted Ezekiel.]
6-4-03 WMD
BABU BAAT: You said there were weapons of mass destruction. But there ARE no weapons of mass destruction. Where are the weapons of mass destruction?
PRESIDENT BUSH: The wheels are in motion, Babu. The wheels are in motion even as we speak.
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]
6-4-03 BONUS Could you tell Mr. Castleberry-- What I heard -- I heard Msairi talking about his undergoing diagnostic tests for cancer. It could be serious.
[Msairi used to be a front-desk employee at 3801 Connecticut Avenue.]
6-5-03 Check this out. The front inner courtyard of 3801 -- you know, where the entrance is -- if you look at the south side of the building, a tenant on the sixth floor has a lot of crap in the window -- multicolored junk. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I would put things in the window of our house. My father would say: "Get that crap out of the window. It looks like a shit-house from outside!"
6-6-03 Bonny Jensen's life is like a country-western song. When she filed for divorce her husband said: "I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden."
[I had overheard Bonnie Jensen talking about her marital difficulties that led to her divorce. Her husband objected to her hobby of gardening.]
6-9-03 / 6-10-03 Yesterday (6-8) I saw Ben Wattenberg in the Giant Supermarket. What happened to his TV show "Think Tank?" Did it get tanked? -- 6-10 / Strauss' birthday. 139 years old today.
[Refers to the composer Richard Strauss, who was born June 10, 1864.
Wattenberg -- who lives off Connecticut Avenue in DC's Van Ness area -- is a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.]
6-11-03 Did you know that Bill Cosby and I are good friends? That's right. I call him Bill, and he calls me Gary. We've been on a first name basis or years. [Cosby (204th class) and I attended the same high school in Philadelphia. Attached is form letter from Cosby addressed "Dear Gary," soliciting financial contributions to Central High School's capital improvements campaign.]
6-12-03 I'm in a deep funk. I'm just going through the motions of being alive. Things don't interest me anymore. I don't listen to music much anymore. Is this what they call depression? My friends don't call anymore. I guess I'm no fun to be around.
6-13-03 / 6-16-03 / 6-17-03 Happy Friday the 13th. You should wear garlic around your head for good luck. Enjoy the long day light while you can. Have a good weekend! Library is closed today. How will Brian get on w/o me?
6-18-03 Sorry. Got a hot date with Ms. Amos at the welfare office [concerning food stamp recertification].
[Note that the letters have become brief and uninformative, unlike the earlier messages. By April 2003 I had begun writing daily letters to Brian Brown at the library (and saving them to the computer hard drive), a medium of communication that had replaced, in large part, my letter writing to David Castleberry.]
6-19-03 Idea of reference on 6-17-03. Tues afternoon I added material to my autobiography on the computer at the West End Branch of the library. The material concerned the [recently-decided] Charles Sell Supreme Court case, which concerned anti-psychotic meds. Later in the afternoon Velvel [at the Cleveland Park Library] started talking about "Zorba the Greek," which I saw as a reference to Dr. Georgopoulos [my former treating psychiatrist at GW], who used to recommend I take meds.
[The U.S. Supreme Court opinion in the Sell case quotes expert testimony to the effect that anti-psychotic medication is very rarely effective in treating delusional disorder. My diagnosis is delusional disorder.]
6-20-03 / 6-23-03 / 6-24-03 Has David Castleberry ever thought of using my services at the front desk? -- Maybe the pressure would be too much for me. I don't know.
6-25-03 3801 was featured briefly on a TV news story last night on WRC-TV (Ch. 4) about emergency preparedness re: terrorist attacks. One of our tenants was asked if we have evacuation plans. The tenant basically said, "Da?" I talked to you about this before. We need civil defense preparedness. That's more important than a new lobby, don't you think? -- Dead tenants don't pay rent -- do they? We need to encase 3801 in lead to ward off radiation!
[Management remodeled the lobby beginning in the fall of 2003.]
6-26-03 How do you like my "new" Chinese chochkas? I picked them up in the trash room. You can pick up a lot of good stuff in people's trash - computers, picture frames, scrap paper -- an endless variety, really.
6-27-03 FYI -- HUNKY TONY
STEPHEN BREYER: I must confess that I was born heterosexual, but I sign on to the homosexual agenda now and then.
[Refers to a recent U.S. Supreme Court opinion in which Justice Antonin Scalia referred disparagingly to "the homosexual agenda."]
6-30-03 / 7-1-03 A few days ago I heard David Castleberry talking to Elizabeth Joyce about capital improvements. What about a pool? Yes! A big Olympic-sized pool for tenants. 3883 Connecticut has a pool and the tenants are loving it!
7-2-03 I was going to go to the party, but I decided against it. I'm basically a monarchist. This whole American independence thing was a bad idea. -- God Save the Queen!
[Refers to a July 4th party at 3801.]
7-3-03 Did you talk to Judy Glassie about installing a swimming pool, here at 3801 (using the capital improvements budget)? I think tenants would enjoy that more than sliding doors [at the front entrance]. -- I was thinking -- Isn't there any job I could do around the building? What about emptying the trash rooms every day at, say $5/day ($35/week). I think I could handle that. Plus I'd get first dibs on the "good" trash. -- Happy Fourth of July. See you Monday 7.7.03.
[undated] 3801 Masturbation Policy. It may not be done in common areas. This may only be done in your apartments.
[Parody of the new "smoking policy" which was posted in the building.]
7-6-03 BONUS -- LATEST THINKING AT THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESIDENT: What do we do about the growing numbers of unemployed?
SECRETARY OF STATE: We could ship 'em off to Iraq--
NASA ADMINISTRATOR: We could put them in the space shuttle program.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: I say we execute 'em all.
PRESIDENT: (aside to Treasury Secretary): How many billions more do we have to give away in tax cuts? This fiscal policy is hard work!
7-7-03 BONUS This is the 3-month anniversary of the death of my friend David Bloom.
7-7-03 / 7-8-03 Saturday afternoon (7-5-03) I learned about a dark, ugly side to Dr. Sack. He forgot about his 4:00 PM appointment. The poor patient had to wait in his waiting room -- You know how hot that was? She had to sit there with the door open, with her husband. They were helpless pawns of the powerful Dr. Sack. At one point the lady stood up and said-- "I think he stood us up." It was tragic heart-rending - and it exhibited a streak of callousness and indifference in Dr. Lawrence C. Sack that heretofore I did not know existed! ! Shame, shame, shame, Dr. Sack!
7-9-03 I got a notice from Social Security that they're not even going to bother doing their regular 3-year review, based on the preliminary information I gave them. Apparently, they can see I'm very, very sick!
[Attached is SSA Notice dated July 8, 2003.]
7-10-03 My psychologist has been on vacation the last two weeks. My mental state is deteriorating. Maybe I should get together with my friends.
[The psychologist took several vacations during my therapy with her, which spanned the period 2/03 to 5/04. She took off the entire month of December 2003 plus the first two weeks of January 2004. When I complained to my psychiatrist, Dr. Cooper replied: "Your therapist is not allowed to take vacations?"]
7-11-03 Nothing to report. Not much chance of going to the All-Star game with my buddy Brian. It's HIS loss! I PITY Brian!
7-14-03 / 7-15-03 Ten years ago today, my girlfriend dumped me! How can I ever enjoy Bastille Day? How can I ever be with another fraulein?
[Refers to my friend Craig W. Dye. We spoke for the last time, by telephone, on July 13, 1993.]
7-16-03 ELLEN DOES THE SHANGHAI MAFIA
FREEDMAN: Well, Jeffrey, did you talk to Ellen about resigning from the Court? Tell you what, there's an extra $50 bucks in it for you if she does.
ELLEN: Don't tell me later that there was something extra I was supposed to do like renounce my citizenship and disown my first born child.
FREEDMAN: No, no. Just resign from the Court and sign a contingency-fee agreement.
ELLEN: I'm doin' it!
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode, "The Chinese Restaurant." Note the phrase: "disown my first born child," a possible allusion to Sophocles' play, "Oedipus Rex." Oedipus' father, Laius, disowned the infant Oedipus. Compare the message on 1-30-03 that referred to the first born child of Steve Routh, a Hogan & Hartson attorney. The phrase "renounce my citizenship" might be an allusion to the punishment imposed on Oedipus; he was forced into exile from Thebes.]
7-17-03 For my friends at the Gump. -- Think of this as a terrorist attack in very, very slow motion: Only nobody dies, they just end up getting disbarred!
7-18-03 Happy 97th birthday to Clifford Odets -- By the way, how are Walt and Nora. -- Good to see Luise Rainer on the Oscars this year.
[Odets was a playwright, whose children were named Walt and Nora. Odets was married to the Oscar-winning actress, Luise Rainer. Odets was born in the same year as my father: 1906. My father had been a close friend of Odets' cousin, Benny Rossman.]
7-21-03 / 7-22-03 I heard that 20-year tenants get a $500 bonus. -- August 2003 will be my 20th anniversary here at the beautiful 3801 -- Please make my bonus check payable to "Gary Freedman."
[Message is a joke.]
7-23-03 Last night I was thinking about the sorry end for those two partners in crime -- I thought: "It's like a Greek tragedy, only they're not Greek and it's not particularly tragic." I don't know what nationality Race and Hoffman are!
[Refers to two management partners (Dennis M. Race and Lawrence J. Hoffman) at Akin Gump. Note the implied allusion to Sophocles' play "Oedipus Rex," a Greek tragedy. Also, note that the reference to Race's nationality seems to allude to the record on appeal in Freedman v. D.C. Dept. of Human Rights: "At this point Malcolm Lassman turned to Dennis Race and said, 'Dennis, you're not Jewish. Jews don't eat pork'" (see message below, 7-24).
7-24-03 I signed up for food-stamp recertification last week. I'm hoping they will increase my benefit. I gotta talk to Glickman -- Hey, Glickman! -- There needs to be a kosher premium for food stamp recipients who eat kosher. That kosher crap costs like 20% more they treyf. I think the current program violates my 1st Amendment rights!
[Refers to Dan Glickman, former Secretary of Agriculture in the Clinton Administration, and, as of 2003, a lawyer at Akin Gump. The word "treyf" means "non-kosher."]
7-25-03 I'm getting inappropriate pressure to return to work from Dr. Bash. I'm beginning to identify more and more with John Hinckley!
[Refers to the fact that the government has consistently fought to preserve Hinckley's status as a ward of the state; while I, an innocent person who never committed a violent act, was being pressured by a state employee, Dr. Bash, to give up his government benefits.]
7-28-03 Somebody in the apt bldg threw away a perfectly good DVD player! My gain.
[I learned later that the DVD player didn't work.]
7-29-03 I started on a new anti-depressant medication this morning -- Effexor. Let's see what this does!
7-30-03 They didn't increase my food stamps! What's up with that, Glickman?
7-31-03 I hear there's a big meeting with the WRIT folks. Why don't you raise the issue of the $500 bonus for 20-year residents? I know you have a lot of influence in the organization.
8-1-03 On a couple of occasions in the library -- the following picture was displayed prominently in the magazine exchange. It looks like an age-enhanced picture of Rubenstein. How would they know what Rubenstein looks like? [Attached is AT&T ad featuring a photo of the actor Cliff Robertson holding a telephone with the following advertising copy: "The better we sound. Touch Someone.]
8-4-03 I'm hoping to tighten the noose this week. They shoot horses don't they?
[Refers to a letter that I contemplated sending to GW President Stephen J. Trachtenberg about my psychotherapy at GW; the letter described my job termination by Dennis Race at Akin Gump. My therapist at GW (Meghana Tembe) later persuaded me not to send the letter.]
8-5-03 This morning when I looked at Mr. Cookson, he turned his eyes away, and would not look me in the eye. That tells me things are heating up (Ouch! that's hot! Something's cooking on the hot stove ! ! !)
[Pius Cookson is the building engineer at 3801 Connecticut.]
8-6-03 I just wish this thing were over. Then I could sue the bastards -- and rent a penthouse at 3883 Conn. I'd keep this apt for storage.
8-8-03 OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, I will NOT run for Governor of California. I'm sorry to disappoint all of the California out-of-state voters here at 3801.
[Refers to Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement that he will run for Governor of California.]
8-8-03 I'm submitting these notes -- ("The Archives") to my psychologist.
DENNIS RACE: I got Bashed!
[Refers to my simmering anger about Dr. Bash's statements that she thought I was employable. Dr. Bash's statements about my employability were especially troubling because SSA had just renewed my benefits without even doing a review, which suggested to me that SSA believed my disability was serious.]
8-11-03 / 8-12-03 I was thinking about ending this line of communication, but I decided against it. My instincts tell me it's not time. Still got some lawyers to screw! As they say: A lawyer who fucks a lawyer is twice a lawyer!
8-13-03 People ask: "Does Israel have the bomb?" The way I see it, it misses the point. In terms of destructive potential, they have Dr. Bash! Does it matter whether they have the bomb?
8-14-03 Tomorrow (8-15-03) is a big day. No, not Vernon Jordan's birthday. No, not Napoleon's birthday -- 32 years ago tomorrow Richard Nixon got on TV in the evening (a Sunday evening in 1971) to announce wage & price controls. I don't know why I remember that -- I wonder if Ben Stein remembers -- you know his old man was a Nixon econ. adviser.
8-14-03 BONUS #135 (John Walsh) keeps his TV on all day-- Is he nuts? Aren't there better ways to scare off demons?
8-15-03 My illness is so devastating at times that I wonder how I can get through the day. "It's so sad"-- That's what Pat Nixon said on the plane back to San Clemente after Pres. Nixon resigned.
8-18-03 MESSAGE FOR DAVID GREGORY: Caught you on the Today Show. Good to hear you speaking English. Sincerely, George W. Bush.
[Gregory was the NBC-TV White House reporter in 2003. His fluency in French at a press conference with French President Chirac once irked President Bush.]
8-19-03 I guess it's the end of an era. I just found out that [resident manager] David Castleberry left-- All of a sudden. Then I learned that [my former treating psychiatrist] Lawrence C. Sack, MD, died. There was a note on his [office] door on Sat 8-16 advising patients to call his son, Dr. Robert Sack -- La comedia est finita!
["La comedia est finita" refers to Beethoven. A few days before Beethoven's death, a friend wrote: "He feels the end coming, for yesterday he said to me . . . 'Plaudite, amici, comoedia finita est.'" (Applaud, friends, the comedy is ended.).]
END OF DIARIES.
Brian--
Hey, buddy. How was your holiday weekend? Are you still lying (as in resting, lying down, stretching out, reclining, or reposing), or are you just lying low?
This letter, like all my letters, does not begin as the statement of a fully grasped idea. How could it? I don't invest sufficient energy (intellectual or physical) in any one object to achieve anything fully, completely -- or to the fullest extent of nature's laws, as one might put it.
I've been doing nothing at all. I've simply been lying low -- as I have been for years -- safe and undetected within the heart of my apartment building, forswearing the world around me. There's nothing to prompt me to become active and do anything of a useful sort. What will cause me to become active, if I ever do so, isn't entirely clear at the moment. There are many mysteries about me that cry out for unraveling.
I trust you got your flu shot. You need a flu shot, you can't live without a flu shot. Immunity is always important. It's a good thing. Without immunity your whole life -- as you know it -- could unravel; you could be laid up for weeks. Once the viruses find you, once they make their inevitable discovery, you're finished. Don't believe the old wives' tale about informal immunity: there is no such thing. Last year's flu shot won't help you one darn bit. Of course, no one can force you to get a shot: it's purely voluntary. Watch out for corrupt doctors at public clinics, though. Deception and false promises of immunity are a common scam by public officials. They trick you into coming down to the clinic, and once you get there -- they tell you they've run out of flu shots. Likely story. Anyway, invoke your privilege. Get immunity. You look like a healthy guy, buddy. I think your constitution can stand it.
I confess. I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have no immunity. But then, I'm insane. One flu over the cuckoo's nest, and all that. If the virus got me, I wouldn't know what was going on anyhow. I'm oblivious. Isn't it obvious?
I thought I'd continue with the presentation of my diaries. This week I present the concluding portion that covers the period January 27, 2003 to August 19, 2003. That period of the diaries charts the development of my obsession with you, Brian. It's a sordid tale of false hopes and roads that should never have been taken. In any event, I plan to take you to the end of the line, so to speak -- a veritable "journey to Karlsbad."
Indeed, I have been taking you on a journey for the past several weeks. A journey includes at least a going from place A to place B, or to put it in terms of one of Freud's favorite Jewish jokes, from here to Karlsbad. The relevant story (Freud called it "the constitution story") is worth recounting. It concerns a Schnorrer: "An impecunious Jew had stowed himself away without a ticket in the fast train to Karlsbad. He was caught, and each time tickets were inspected he was taken out of the train and treated more and more severely. At one of the stations on his via dolorosa he met an acquaintance, who asked him where he was traveling to. 'To Karlsbad,' was his reply, 'if my constitution can stand it.'"
I have recorded in these pages my pain, my grief, and my sorrow. No outsider can follow the winding, internal path that leads a man like myself from despair to discovery, but the sensation of hitting bottom can sometimes stimulate an artist to abandon old commitments, embrace new ideas, and finally, confront what must be said or acknowledged. By early 2003 I had hit rock bottom, as the following entries attest. The loneliness I experienced during the dark days memorialized in these pages was acute, my binges catastrophic, my relationships with the several librarians in my life reflections of my instability, rage and confusion. But it was also at this time (as you will witness in the pages below) that I discovered the power of friendship -- albeit of the imaginary kind.
The imagery of the following diary entries interconnect with that of the journey and include views and prospects, locomotion, ascents and descents to heights and depths, explorations, demonstrations, light and fire, darkness. They are all involved with the map of the world within and the world outside the mind -- with how the world outside is registered within. The metaphors are aspects of the journey that lead to insight and outlook.
The unit of my communications, as I experience it, is not the Collected Writings, which I may some day attempt to publish (Good Luck with that endeavor!); nor is it the individual volume, or the sequence or group within the volume; it is the single message. Every written communication of mine is autonomous, or feels so to me in the writing, and consists of an effort to exhaust my present sense of the subject. It is for this reason that a letter sometimes takes a bit of time to finish. No message of mine is ever undertaken as a technical experiment; the form, which it takes, whether conventional or innovating, develops naturally as the message develops, as part of the utterance. Nor do my letters ever begin as the statement of a fully grasped idea; I think inside my lines and the thought must get where it can -- along the journey to Karlsbad, as it were -- amongst the moods and sounds and gravitating particulars which are appearing there.
My letters develop like the psychoanalytic narrative of the patient resting, lying down, stretching out, reclining, or reposing on the analyst's couch. Utterance follows utterance, immune from the censorship of the analyst, who listens to the patient's confession with evenly-hovering attention. Patterns of thought and feeling emerge over time. The inevitable outcome is a delineation of the individual human comedy. With the termination of the analysis, one might say: "Comoedia finita est."
Freud's great work "The Interpretation of Dreams" has been described as a journey through a landscape. Leonard Shengold writes: "In my paper on Freud's use of metaphor I examined some implications of a few of the images that Freud intertwined with his central metaphoric plan in the dream book -- that plan being a journey through a landscape. I indicated what I feel is a crucial place in the journey of that book: a turning point at the beginning of chapter 7 ["a fresh start," one might say], where Freud changes direction to plunge into the depths of the wishes of the unconscious (a 'veritable hell' -- like Dante, Freud undertakes a cosmic exploration involving the mind and the universe). That turning point is marked by the dream of the burning child. The speech in that dream is, "Father, don't you see I'm burning?" The dream and therefore the dream question are not Freud's own, but they can be linked with the exhibitionistic urination of the child Freud in his parents' bedroom (which brought on his father's unforgettable comment 'That boy will come to nothing'), and with his own dream after the death of his father: 'You are requested to close the eyes'. Both dreams refer to sight, to the metaphor of sight as understanding: and both dreams are to be connected with the mature and measured assessment of Freud's achievement, addressed to the fathers of this world, to heed or ignore at their peril: 'Insight such as this comes to one's lot but once in a lifetime.' By 1931 the child's burning had been tempered to a cool glance backward at the white heat of inspiration that marked the years following the death of his father."
Check you out next week, buddy. Remember, when you glance backward, keep your eyes on oncoming traffic. As an ancient Greek king was destined to discover -- with tragic consequences -- the road can be a real killer. Always think ahead.
_________________________________________________________________________
The Diaries
[During the period June 2001 to August 2003 I believed that the resident manager of my apartment building, David Castleberry (2000 - 2003), used to enter my apartment surreptitiously each day. I used to leave him a handwritten message taped to the inside of the front door. I had begun that practice in mid-June 2001 and continued writing notes and taping them to the door until the summer of 2003, when David Castleberry quit. The messages were addressed to "Friend." I pretended that I didn't know it was David Castleberry who was reading the notes. It was my (paranoid) belief that David Castleberry reported back to attorney managers at Akin Gump the content of the message I left on the door each day. I further believed that Akin Gump's attorney managers then informed Brian Brown at the library of the content of the daily message.]
1-27-03 Did you see the Sunday NY Times Magazine article about George W. Bush? They say he makes Pres. Reagan look like a moderate. What they meant, but didn't say, was that George Bush makes Ronald Reagan look like a fag! You heard it here first! -- Like I said 12 years ago: New Key Rock!
[In the early 1970s, while running for Mayor of Philadelphia, then Police Commissioner Frank Rizzo said that he would make Attila the Hun look like a fag.]
1-28-03 Message for Mr. Castleberry [please transmit]. This is the right and prudent time to institute on-line direct payment of rent. With a war coming -- and all that entails, including homeland involvement such as terrorist attacks, germ/chem/radiological warfare -- people may not be able to transact business at their bank. With on-line rent payment, tenants won't even have to leave the building. Think about it. It's the patriotic thing to do. Talk it over with the WRIT home office. -- [hand drawn picture of the American flag, then the message:] God Bless Rent. In just a few months Washington could be a far different place from what it is at this moment. Different from anything we can now imagine -- Only the prepared will survive!
1-29-03 Ignacio, from the library is gone for good, I think. And he didn't even kiss me good-bye. What kind of person is he?
[Ignacio (last name?) worked at the circulation desk at the Cleveland Park Library.]
1-30-03 Last afternoon, at my psychologist's, we talked about Steve Routh, an attorney (partner) at Hogan & Hartson. Routh's wife (Linda Stein) had a baby boy Robert Martin Routh in January 1987. Routh had a degree from the London School of Economics. I wonder if Routh knew Glenn Fine, an economics major from Harvard (Routh was a Harvard grad). Routh and Fine worked in nearby offices, when Fine was a law clerk at H&H. I wonder if Routh knew that Fine was VERY SPECIAL. I knew that.
[Steve Routh clerked for DC Appeals Court Judge John M. Ferren, who heard my appeal, Freedman v. DC Department of Human Rights in the year 1994, which was dismissed for lack of jurisdiction. (I believe that Judge Ferren himself had once practiced at Hogan). Routh worked in the education practice group at Hogan; Routh was a member of a large team of attorneys, under Elliott Mincberg (now with "People for the American Way" -- a constitutional rights advocacy organization) and David Tatel, Esq. (now an associate judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit) who represented the Milwaukee, WI public school district in desegregation litigation. I worked with Routh on a document production task in late December 1986 to early January 1987. Routh was an idealist who named his first child, Robert Martin, for Robert F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. I always wondered what a psychoanalyst would say about the Oedipal (or other) implications of naming one's son, a first child, for two persons who were murdered. Glenn Fine is now Inspector General of the United States. He was a Rhodes Scholar and a star basketball player as a Harvard undergrad; his law degree is from Harvard. Esquire magazine's December 2003 issue featured a one-page article on Fine (page 200): "Glenn Fine: The Conscience of the D.O.J."]
1-30-03 Richard Reid gives a whole new meaning to the phrase-- "He has his foot in the door."
[Richard Reid, the so-called "show bomber," was a terrorist who concealed explosives in his shoe.]
1-31-03 Here's another Hogan partner who may remember Glenn Fine from the time in 1985 that Fine worked as a law clerk at the firm -- George H. Mernick, III 637-5726. Mernick worked on the 2nd floor at 815 Conn Ave in fall 1985 -- near Nancy Kent (in accounting).
2-3-03 I'll tell you my one recollection of George Mernick. It was the final days at 815 Connecticut Avenue in early April 1987. The building management at 815 Conn Ave was already starting up its renovation for the new major tenant. There was drilling of the terrace outside the building. The drilling was very noisy. Somebody (apparently not with the firm) asked Mernick what was going on. Mernick said we were moving to a new building, the other party said: "A new building?" Mernick said "A brand-new building!" -- Thus spoke George Mernick in April 1987.
[Hogan & Hartson moved to Columbia Square (555 13th Street, NW) in April 1987. One of the tenants at 815 Connecticut Avenue was Clark Clifford, Esq., former Secretary of Defense and a friend of Robert Strauss. Clifford's law partner was Robert Altman, Esq.]
2-4-03 Today's Birthdays: Stanley R. Palombo, MD (69) / Daniel D. Cutler (40). -- The above is the most persuasive evidence against the validity of astrology!
[Stanley R. Palombo, MD, was my treating psychiatrist in the year 1990. I worked with Cutler at Hogan & Hartson; he later went to law school (Seton Hall in New Jersey).]
2-5-03 Yesterday David Grady gave me a testy look when he saw me. Is it just coincidence that Grady is a Hogan attorney & I've been communicating with you recently about Hogan attorneys -- such as Steve Routh and George Mernick? That's a case in point about why I can't practice law. The jealousy is so EXTREME.
[David Grady, Esq. has been a tenant at 3801 Connecticut Avenue since at least 1990.
A preoccupation with envy or jealousy is a diagnostic criterion of a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). My current treating psychologist, Israella Bash, Ph.D., denies that I suffer from NPD.]
2-6-03 Like I told my psychologist yesterday-- I felt that Brian at the library was reacting to something that made him jealous. He was having a quiet "tantrum" -- Brian that is. What was Brian reacting to? I think Brian is just a jealous M-F'er. -- Then Dr. Shaffer [my psychologist] said she's getting cut from the system. That the city's no longer going to provide psychological services. What am I going to do? I'm just a helpless psychotic. I'll have to go elsewhere.
[The term "M-F'er" might be an Oedipal allusion.]
2-7-03 / 2-10-03 I've been so depressed since I heard that I'm losing my psychologist. I stayed in bed (more or less) all weekend (Fri-Sun) just sleeping and staring into space in a stupor. This is bad. The District has been systematically dismantling the mental health system. All that's left is psychiatrists to prescribe meds. It's inhuman. It's going to take me some time to get past this.
2-11-03 I'm still depressed about the mental health situation here in the District. What I'm thinking about is contacting some high-ranking official, and ask if I can become his pen-pal. That should get some attention.
2-12-03 Here's the name of Sid Dorfman's predecessor at The Franklin Institute: Castle Freeman. Freeman left in about 1972. He and I had no contact. Freeman can give insight into the culture of the Institute at that time. -- You know, I could die in a terror attack at any time. I want you to know it's been good knowing you.
[I worked with coworker and friend Sid Dorfman at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. Dorfman obtained a B.S. in biology at Temple University in 1970. We attended the same high school.]
2-13-03 I've mentioned this before-- But you need a civil defense plan. Duck tape, duck tape, duck tape. As far as I see there's no plan at all. It's each tenant for himself. What is wrong with you people?
2-14-03 Later, dude.
2-17-03 / 2-18-03 / 2-19-03 I'm starting with a new psychologist -- Meghana Tembe at GW's Center for Professional Psychology -- a new beginning. -- Did you survive the storm? --
FREEDMAN: I'm coming back to GW!
DR. WIENER: Over my dead body!!
[Jerry M. Wiener, MD, was the chairman of the psychiatry department at GW, where I was in treatment from September 1992 to June 1996. Dr. Wiener died in early September 2001.]
2-20-03 I think that Mr. Pius and Mr. Doug did an outstanding job with the snow. They selflessly battled the elements during and after the storm of the century, all for the greater good of the residents. I recommend that those fine men be given a bonus of $50 each. Remember, a storm like this is a once-in-a-century occurrence.
[Doug and Pius were the building engineers at 3801 Connecticut Avenue, my residence.]
2-21-03 Message for Brian-- Please get the "A-Drive" fixed on the computer. Sure, it was cute in the beginning -- humorous, even -- but now it's just plain annoying. And I'm getting really p.o.'d. Get the damn thing fixed, Brian.
2-24-02 I had my first session with my new psychologist at GW on Friday (2-21-03) -- Meghana Tembe. She's good, if you can get through her accent -- She's from India. You can call her at the clinic (202) 887-0775. -- By the way, if I run into financial problems, I'm thinking I could move in with Brian -- I could be his butler -- Put his clothes out for him, run his bath, get him his coffee, arrange secret trysts with babes!
[Note that the very first reference to a friendship with Brian Brown (in the guise of a professional relationship) seems to be a negation of my relationship with my new psychologist, Meghana Tembe. Arguably, from the outset, my fantasies of closeness to Brian were a reaction to a relationship with a psychologist who I did not like at first sight.]
2-25-03 I have my second assessment session this morning with my new psychologist at GW. Meghana Tembe. I can't tell you how many evaluations and assessments I've gotten in my life. -- Brian hasn't voiced any interest in my becoming his butler. I'd be willing to do his wife. In fact. I could sleep with his wife, and Brian could sleep in the servants quarters. It's Oedipal.
2-26-03 Message for Brian -- Listen, Brian -- I was over at the West End Branch of the library system yesterday. That place was like a real library -- no chatting librarians, no noise, no librarians talking about their wive's first homosexual husband. I'm sorry to say it, but, you can't run a library. Cleveland Park is run like a social club. Moreover-- they have four computers over there, and you don't have to be hunched over to use them. They have privacy screens right on the computers. What's up with that?
[William Dacosta's wife, Debra (also a DC librarian), was previously married to a homosexual. Dacosta himself is a medicated bi-polar psychotic who takes lithium and Risperdal to control delusions and hallucinations. Isn't it odd that a patron should know all that by simply sitting in the library? On one occasion Dacosta permitted a patron to talk to him (in a loud, disruptive voice) about masturbation and fellatio. William Dacosta is Brian Brown's only male colleague.]
2-27-03 Did you catch Doug Feith last night on the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather? He's the Under Secretary of Defense. Douglas Feith -- Central High School, 230th class, 1971. Do you think Dan knew that?
2-28-03 / 3-3-03 Message for Brian. Brian-- would you sleep with me? It's not sexual. It's a Michael Jackson thing. Sure it might generate a lot of gossip. But, you know, let people talk!
3-4-03 It's almost 24 years to the day in March 1979 when Malcolm Lassman and Larry Hoffman snagged that giant fish and had it mounted in the lunch room at Akin Gump. An amazing catch.
[The lunch room at Akin Gump features a gag "fish" made of metal, with a plaque that indicates the date in March 1979 that Malcolm Lassman and Lawrence Hoffman caught it.]
3-5-03 Message for Brian-- What do you do on Mondays, Brian, now that the libraries are closed? You know, I was thinking we could make Monday "our day" Brian. We could hang out, go places, do things. We could be buddies Brian -- and Mondays could be "our day." I'm thinking, in the summer, we could head up to Baltimore and take in a ball game and have a hot dog or two. What do you say? Sounds good, huh? You need a friend, Brian. You spend too much time at the library. You need a buddy who'll show you how to live a little. That's me, buddy! Call me (202) 362-7064. I'll be waiting.
3-6-03 / 3-7-03 I had my last session with my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, on Wed 3-5-02. Onward and upward to GW I go!
3-10-03 / 3-11-03 I think the DC Gov't is screwed-up. My mental health clinic pharmacy ran out of my sleep medication early last week (a common med) and still hasn't received its order. I was given the old standby this morning (3-10) on the telephone: "Could you call back tomorrow?" -- You know, it's the Jews who are behind this!
[The reference to anti-Semitism alludes to Congressman Jim Moran's allegation that it was primarily the Jews who were in favor of going to war with Iraq.]
3-12-03 I just got a letter from Social Security saying they're reviewing my case. I got a big case of the "war jitters" -- What will the outcome be? I could lose this thing -- or win it in a matter of weeks. -- Message for Jim Moran-- I didn't know Tony Blair was Jewish.
3-13-03 Things are quiet at the library. Brian is on vacation to the 19th of March. I still have war countdown jitters.
[Note the connection between the subject matter of the message on 3-12 (war) and the reference to the "quiet" at the library: a possible association to the war novel "All Quiet on the Western Front." I read the novel in ninth-grade English class in high school. (See message dated 3/14).
3-14-03 Slow news day. Beware the Ides of March, which is coming up.
[The Ides of March is an apparent association to "Julius Caesar," a Shakespeare play I read in ninth-grade English class.]
3-17-03 I've got the war jitters really bad. I can't tell you how nervous I am about this. What is that expression Americans use? "The shit is being frightened from my anus?"
3-18-03 / 3-19-03 BUY BONDS TODAY! WAR! As you can see I'm stocking up on supplies. This is only the beginning of a massive stockpile to insure my ability to last out a major siege of Washington. I plan to survive this thing. Now, what about direct payment of rent online. Remember -- only the prepared will survive.
3-20 / 3-21-03 / 3-24-03 The Iraqi Ambassador to the United Nations -- Mohammed Al-Doury -- is in violation of the No-Comb Zone. Did you see that guy? He's bald, but he has one of those "comb-over jobs."
3-25-03 SHOCK AND AWE.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: I have seen it all. You can't shock me, you can't even annoy me. --
I'm lovin' the new exercise room-- Thank you, WRIT!
["WRIT" is the Washington Real Estate Investment Trust.]
3-26-03 Tell you what I really like in the new exercise room is the "natural runner" machine. You get a good aerobic workout-- and it's very low impact. Good choice of machinery! [Cut out from magazine article referring to Bob Strauss and his wife:] "All Bob would have to say was 'It would be nice if I had a newspaper.' It would be midnight [and] Helen would run out to get a newspaper."
[If I could have found a wife like that, I'd have gotten married years ago.]
3-27-03 / 3-28-03 David Bloom-- You put the "B" in NBC.
[David Bloom was an NBC reporter who was killed several weeks later, covering the war in Iraq.]
3-31-03 IN MEMORY OF THE FALLEN
IGNACIO (Hot Latino)
DEBRA (Ghetto Fabulous)
TERRI (Ebony Hottie)
BREW SNYDER (Wittiest)
LYNNE BOZE (Best Southern Accent)
RONNIE (Least Vulnerable)
MR. PEOPLES (Biggest)
R. I. P.
e n e
a a
d c
e
[Refers to former library staff persons. I believed that all of the named persons knew about Brian Brown's communications with Akin Gump managers. Bruce Snyder replaced Lynne Boze as one of the librarians in about 1992. Ronnie was the children's librarian. Mr. Peoples was the custodian who preceded Alex Chandler. Terri and Debra worked at the circulation desk.]
4-1-03 I have a feeling your contacts have already contacted Richard & Bonnie Moses, so I won't bother giving you background facts on those people.
[Richard Moses, D.O., a gastroenterologist with a law degree from Temple University Law School, was in my graduating class in high school, Central High School, 230th class, 1971. His wife, Bonnie, is a lawyer who worked for Leonard Sagot Associates, and may have known Jeffrey Orchinik, Esq., who used to practice at Sagot & Jennings.
Inserted at this point is a solicitation from The Central High School Capital and Endowment Campaign: an invitation by Judge Lawrence S. Margolis (Central High School, 199th class) for Cocktails and Conversation on April 8, 2003 at The United States Court of Federal Claims, Washington. Judge Margolis' chambers is (202) 219 9581.]
4-2-03 Brian -- Psy-Ops. I hope you understand I've just been fucking with your head -- nothing more. It's all good, clean fun.
4-3-03 Anyway, like I was saying -- on Tuesday, 4-1-03, I was walking along 23rd Street, and I saw Jim Stewart of CBS-NEWS. He saw me, gazed at me, I looked away -- turned to him -- and he was still looking at me. I was sure he recognized me. But how? He was carrying a "carryout" lunch -- a few steps away from the CBS studio on 23rd Street. I'm Famous!
[The phrase "Anyway, like I was saying" suggests to me that I had already begun to leave messages to Brian Brown on the library's public access computer hard drive by this date, and that I was continuing a message that I had begun at the library.]
4-4-03 Here's a flash from the past: MARCIA CHASE. She worked at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia in the early 70s. I and some other folks had lunch over at her apartment in (I think) the summer of 1972. Marcia Chase made gazpacho. She worked with Barbara Van Horne. They worked for Joe Pitts. Those were the days! I was 18 years old and moving up in the world (briefly).
4-4-03 BONUS Elizabeth Joyce is always going on about the British -- the defenders of liberty! I notice she never talks about the Queen's uncle -- he was a Nazi sympathizer. Actually, I'm a lot like the Duke of Windsor, myself, except for the money, the sex, and the Nazi connections.
[Elizabeth Joyce used to work at the front desk at 3801 Connecticut Avenue. She retired in the summer of 2003, after about 17 years at the building. I thought that she knew all about the invasions of my privacy by Elaine Wranik and David Castleberry. I also think she knew all about my difficulties at Akin Gump.]
4-07-03 / 4-8-03 So much for Bob Simon's advice on surviving in Iraq!
[Refers to the death of NBC-News reporter David Bloom in Iraq. Simon, a CBS-News reporter -- who was captured by Iraqis during the Persian Gulf War in 1991 -- had written that there was one sure way to survive in Iraq: "Just keep your eyes and your balls covered." In 1991 Simon and his news crew had been captured along a desert road in war-torn Iraq, and held captive by Saddam loyalists for forty days.
Excursus: It was in a trifurcation of the road, where Oedipus "had killed the old man who had tried to thrust him out of the path -- the old man who has turned out to be his father, Laius: 'For now I am found evil and of evil birth. O ye three roads, and thou secret glen -- thou coppice and narrow way where three paths met -- Ye who drank from my hands that father's blood which was my own, -- remember ye, perchance, what deeds I wrought for you to see, -- and then, when I came hither, what fresh deeds I went on to do?' Karl Abraham held the trifurcation of the road as the symbol of the maternal genitals, the place of traffic with the father and the son. (This interpretation is certainly reinforced by the words 'secret glen' and 'coppice and narrow way.') In the speech, the mother's genitals become charged with oral-sadistic libido and drink blood. The 'place where three paths meet' is called on to witness the past, 'the deeds I wrought for you to see.' This is after Oedipus has destroyed his own sight, has symbolically castrated himself. (Eyes are related to testicles symbolically and etymologically -- note the German Eier (egg) [compare message at 5-15-03, below, that refers to eggs] and Auge (eye) -- and testicles literally means 'little witnesses.') I have stated that part of soul murder is the consequences of seduced children taking on the guilt of the seducing parent. By assuming the adult's lies and denial, the children renounce their own ability to see what is and has been. They cease being reliable witnesses to the past and to present repetitions of the past." Shengold, L. "Soul Murder: The Effects of Childhood Abuse and Deprivation" at 48 (New Haven, Yale University Press, 1989).]
4-9-03 Brian-- Pick a day -- and order the tickets. How about June 30 -- Orioles/Yankees. Just you & me, buddy! [Attached is the Baltimore Orioles Camden Yards Home Game Schedule (2003).]
4-11-03
GEORGE BUSH: Hello, Madame.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Madame? What are you calling me Madame for?
GEORGE BUSH: Those are ladies glasses.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Ladies glasses?
GEORGE BUSH: Sure, says right here, "Gloria Vanderbilt Collection."
SADDAM HUSSEIN: That son of a bitch sold me ladies glasses!
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode. Saddam Hussein had appeared on television with large-framed glasses, a rare sight. Note the connection between this note and the preceding one dated 4/7 ("Just keep your eyes and your balls covered") as well as the note on 4-9 ("Take me out to the 'ball game'")]
4-11-03 THE BAGHDAD CAFE
SADDAM HUSSEIN: I gotta get out of this city!
GEORGE BUSH: So, you're tunneling to the center of the earth?
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]
4-14-03 Could you tell Mr. Castleberry that it's about time to start thinking about putting the summer furniture up on the roof. We're heading for some warm, summer-like days. -- Also, speaking of the roof -- on Saturday (4-12) at about 5:30 PM, somebody was barbecuing on a grill on the roof. Can you do that? Isn't that a fire hazard? Hot coals and all that.
4-15-03 MESSAGE FOR SYRIA
GEORGE BUSH: We demilitarize countries the old-fashioned way -- One regime at a time.
4-16-03 As you know, 3883 Connecticut Avenue, across the way. is now renting to tenants. The apartment directly across from my apartment -- the first terrace above the tool shed -- has been rented to a good-looking young guy. He comes out onto the terrace from time to time, to smoke a cigarette. Maybe you could induct him into providing covert information about me to you. He frequently looks across to my apartment and sees me. (I've been behaving -- no nudity and no masturbating in front of my neighbor across the way).
[Note that the message on 4/14 refers to a smoking barbecue; the message on 4/16 refers to a smoking tenant.]
4-17-03 Tell you who I think about from time to time -- "Ari" -- (not Ari Fleischer) -- He used to be a tenant in the building. Elizabeth Joyce will remember him. He looked like a fine young man -- A young man with character. I had identified him as someone who was probably going places in life. Now, several years later, I wonder what he's doing -- whether he has fulfilled his "early promise." Tell him to give me a call if you talk to him.
[Note that the messages on 4/16 and 4/17 both concern the issue of tenancy. In the message on 4/16 I refer to the issue of "being peered at" and in the message on 4/17 I refer to the act of "peering at" a tenant.]
4-17-03 Message for Malcolm Lassman: This is the 12th Passover you've ruined for me! When will the insanity end?
4-18-03 Happy Easter to my Christian friends. -- Did you talk to Ari? Is he on a safari?
4-21-03 TO TELL THE TRUTH
KITTY CARLISLE: I think Saddam No. 3 is the real Saddam. He's the only contestant who knew about the 60% discount at J&T Optical.
SADDAM NO. 3: Retail is for suckers!
[The message is a parody of a Seinfeld episode.]
4-22-03 Message for Condaleeza Rice -- In a novel titled "The Cobra Event" published in 1997 (6 years ago) (a book about germ warfare), Richard Preston writes that the French Unscom inspectors weren't interested in finding any WMD in Iraq -- that the inspectors were ordered by the French Gov't not to find anything in Iraq -- That was six years ago! See p. 115.
[The French were supposedly opposed to war with Iraq because of their commercial interests in Iraq. The previous message (4/21) refers to concealing the truth and commercial interests at a retail level.]
4-23-03 If you're wondering where all this paper comes from, a tenant, Mike Epstein, threw it away. It's all "Star Wars" crap. I thought that kid Epstein was a nut-job. -- By the way, today is Shakespeare's birthday (and the anniversary of his death -- He died on his birthday).
[Epstein was a tenant in apartment 108. He was a graduate of Utica College, I believe.]
4-24-03 Jonathan Belmont, MD, -- graduated first in his class at my high school -- Central High School, 230th class, 1971. Smart guy. He's signed up for classmates.com -- so he's obviously willing to talk. He can give you the inside dope on another class star, Doug Feith -- Now Undersecretary of Defense. By the way, in the class yearbook, Feith was elected "Honorary Faculty Member" -- He hasn't changed.
[Belmont is an ophthalmologist. Once again, a reference to the eyes. Incidentally, Belmont was sports editor on the school newspaper. (Eyes = balls = baseball? See messages for 4/7, 4/9, and 4/11).]
4-25-03 Sheldon Kanfer graduated third in my high school class (230th class, 1971). Smart guy. He was in the school orchestra; I think he played the flute. He can give you the inside dope on Douglas Feith, Undersect'y of Defense in the Bush Administration. The Internet lists Kanfer as a donor to the Columbus (Ohio?) Symphony Orchestra.
4-28-03 4-29-03 I've got something big planned for you for next week. It's going to be stupendous -- but you'll have to wait.
4-30-03 Stephen I. Kasloff, Esq. Central High School, 228th Class (1969). He was two years ahead of me in high school. He didn't know me, but we attended the same elementary school (Rowan Elem Sch). When he was in the 6th grade, I was in the 4th grade. I remember him because we were both library volunteers in elementary school -- under Mrs. Mary Stevens, a teacher. Kasloff was on the Bd of Managers of the CHS Alumni Association.
4-30-03 BONUS Did you check into Santo Diano, my 10th grade geometry teacher? (and homeroom teacher). He was a graduate of Central High School and was an alumnus, served as the school archivist.
5-1-03 Yesterday, Mrs. Joyce said to me, "Hello Gary, how are you?" -- Well, I didn't want to cause a row, but it's not appropriate. The downstairs staff should not be addressing me directly. After all, how does Mrs. Joyce know that I am not a peer, in which case I would be addressed as "Lord Freedman." I'm not a peer, but Mrs. Joyce doesn't know that. The bottom line is you need to remind staff of protocol. Long live the empire!
[Elizabeth Joyce was the front desk person at 3801 Connecticut Avenue. She was from London, England.
Note that the word "Peer" (an English lord) has a double meaning; it also means "to look at," or peer at.
Note that the Upstairs/Downstairs dichotomy in the message on 5/1 parallels the respective messages at 4/11 ("tunneling to the center of the Earth) and 4/14 ("going up to the roof"). The reference to "Lords" (persons of elevated status) and "downstairs staff" (persons of debased status) might allude to a family romance fantasy. (See message below, dated 5-5-03).]
5-2-03 Have a good weekend. I might get together with Brian, if he gives me a call.
5-5-03 / 5-6-03 [Message appended to a picture of a farmer holding a hoe. Background depicts a farm house, windmill, and silos.] I'm a sheep-fucker, and my grandson is a librarian. We've moved up over the generations!
[Refers to Brian Brown, whose grandfather lived in Montana. The term "sheep-fucker" might be an allusion to Sophocles' Oedipus. Oedipus, the son of a king, was banished from Thebes in infancy and raised by a lowly shepherd.
According to Dorothy Burlingham the fantasy of having a twin sibling is a latency fantasy, Oedipal in origin, in which the child imagines that he has a twin sibling who will provide narcissistic mirroring and thereby propitiate the loneliness engendered by the child's Oedipal rage and associated annihilation anxiety. Burlingham, D. "The Fantasy of Having a Twin." The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, volume I. (See message below, dated 5-7-03).]
5-7-03 Brian, buddy, I like you. Why won't you be my friend? I feel so sad and alone.
[My first meeting with Israella Bash, Ph.D. occurred on about May 2, 2003. At this time the only human contacts I had were with three female mental health professionals whom I disliked: Dr. Bash, Dr. Cooper (my psychiatrist), and Meghana Tembe (my psychotherapist at GW).]
5-8-03 Somebody to look into: Leonard Goldstein, MD. Classmates.com. Central High School 1971 (230th class). I have a funny anecdote about Goldstein. In 10th grade, the hygiene teacher was talking about the evils of masturbation, cautioning students not to engage in such activity. I was sitting next to Goldstein. Apparently, Goldstein didn't know what the word meant -- he started leafing through his dictionary trying to find out what masturbation was. Jerry Seinfeld said he didn't find out till he was in college. Maybe I was precocious.
[Goldstein was in my graduating class at Penn State, May 1975. He was a pre-med major.]
5-9-03 Happy Birthday, Bonnie Jensen! I didn't get you a gift, Bonnie, but remember, Life is a gift!
[Jensen is the assistant manager at 3801 Connecticut Avenue, my residence.]
5-12-03 / 5-13-03 Somebody to look into: Scott Nunamaker. Central High School, 230th Class, 1971. Supersmart. Was in Ming the Merciless's English Class in the ninth grade -- 67-68 sch year. I don't know anything else about him.
[My ninth-grade English teacher, Elliott Cades, known by students as "Ming the Merciless," was a very demanding teacher. He was a graduate of Central High School himself, and had taught there at least since the 1930s. He had a law degree. Perhaps he vented his frustrations in life on his students. He was unmarried, and died at age 83 in the year 1986.]
5-14-03 Here's the inside dope on Bill Einhorn, Esq. -- The great and glorious Bill Einhorn. (Central High School, 230th class, 1971.) He was not one of the super smart kids in high school. He made Barnwell, but he wasn't scholastic (and he wasn't involved in any athletics). In the immortal words of Lloyd Bentsen -- "You're no Jeff Orchinik" (Orchinik was brilliant).
[Einhorn, a graduate of Temple Law School, practiced at the Philadelphia firm of Sagot & Jennings at the time I clerked there (1981-1982). The Barnwell Award is an academic honor at Central High School. Einhorn's father owned a fruit/produce/fish market on Stenton Avenue, in Philadelphia.]
5-15-03 Mrs. Joyce needs to lose some weight. Those extra pounds are not good for her health. I've been following the following diet -- and I've lost about 10 pounds. It's high protein -- low carbohydrate. -- Spinach (10 oz.) -- a little bit of cheese for a snack -- omelet (main evening meal) [compare message at 4-7-03, above, that refers to eggs] -- skim milk (for snack in evening). No bread! No potatoes! No rice!
5-16-03 The crazies were out last night! I must have gotten about 5 to 6 bizarre telephone calls last night.
5-19-03 / 5-20-03 Michael Morrison, MD. Central High School, 230th Class, 1971. According to the most recent alumni newsletter Morrison made a financial contribution to the Central High School "General Fund" -- Super bright kid -- Didn't know him.
5-21-03 Mr. Pius or Mr. Douglas -- Thank you for changing my air filter.
5-23-03 Have a safe and enjoyable holiday weekend -- and I'll see you Tuesday!
5-27-03 If you're looking for the "story behind the story" on Ming the Merciless, contact Dr. Norman S. Knee, Central High School, 186th class. [Attached is blurb on Dr. Knee, DO, FACOFP, who sent the alumni bulletin "a fascinating story of a series of memorable contacts with teacher Elliot Cades (who he referred to as 'Ming the Merciless'), during Knee's stay at Central, during his service in the United States Army of Occupation in Japan, and the aftermath of those experiences."]
5-27-03 THE ROAD MAP
BIBI NETANYAHU: What about the terrorism, the violence, the settlements, the refugee problem?
THE PRIME MINISTER: I propose that for the moment we place all these questions aside, and pursue our way further along one particular path.
[Refers to the Middle-East conflict. Note Dr. Shengold's observation that the metaphors that interconnect with that of the journey are all involved with the "map of the world" within and the world outside the mind. The line attributed to "The Prime Minister" (above) is, in fact, a quote from Freud's "Interpretation of Dreams."]
5-28-03 I'll tell you who I think is a weirdo-- Stanley Schmulewitz. He works out in the exercise room in his street clothes. Isn't that against the rules. Gives you an idea of the mentality of the tenants association as a whole!
[Schmulewitz, who has lived at 3801 Connecticut Avenue for the last 35 years, used to be president of the tenants' association.]
5-29-03 Did you see Mr. Pius' new car? Beautiful. I keep checking it out -- The design, the color -- tres cool!
5-30-03 Here's another item I picked up from my high school alumni bulletin-- The current rabbi and immediate past president of Jewish Congregation Beth El in Bethesda are graduates of my high school (Central High School in Philadelphia).6-2-03 / 6-3-03 After all these years we find out that Richard Chamberlain is homosexual. Right. Big surprise! Do you remember, back in 1992 when Aaron Ezekiel told Malcolm about how he tore up my "Dr. Kildare" collectible cards [in the fourth grade]? I know all & see all!
[Ezekiel and I were friends in elementary school. I mentioned Ezekiel in a letter I sent to my sister in 1992. I believe Akin Gump managers contacted Ezekiel.]
6-4-03 WMD
BABU BAAT: You said there were weapons of mass destruction. But there ARE no weapons of mass destruction. Where are the weapons of mass destruction?
PRESIDENT BUSH: The wheels are in motion, Babu. The wheels are in motion even as we speak.
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]
6-4-03 BONUS Could you tell Mr. Castleberry-- What I heard -- I heard Msairi talking about his undergoing diagnostic tests for cancer. It could be serious.
[Msairi used to be a front-desk employee at 3801 Connecticut Avenue.]
6-5-03 Check this out. The front inner courtyard of 3801 -- you know, where the entrance is -- if you look at the south side of the building, a tenant on the sixth floor has a lot of crap in the window -- multicolored junk. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I would put things in the window of our house. My father would say: "Get that crap out of the window. It looks like a shit-house from outside!"
6-6-03 Bonny Jensen's life is like a country-western song. When she filed for divorce her husband said: "I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden."
[I had overheard Bonnie Jensen talking about her marital difficulties that led to her divorce. Her husband objected to her hobby of gardening.]
6-9-03 / 6-10-03 Yesterday (6-8) I saw Ben Wattenberg in the Giant Supermarket. What happened to his TV show "Think Tank?" Did it get tanked? -- 6-10 / Strauss' birthday. 139 years old today.
[Refers to the composer Richard Strauss, who was born June 10, 1864.
Wattenberg -- who lives off Connecticut Avenue in DC's Van Ness area -- is a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.]
6-11-03 Did you know that Bill Cosby and I are good friends? That's right. I call him Bill, and he calls me Gary. We've been on a first name basis or years. [Cosby (204th class) and I attended the same high school in Philadelphia. Attached is form letter from Cosby addressed "Dear Gary," soliciting financial contributions to Central High School's capital improvements campaign.]
6-12-03 I'm in a deep funk. I'm just going through the motions of being alive. Things don't interest me anymore. I don't listen to music much anymore. Is this what they call depression? My friends don't call anymore. I guess I'm no fun to be around.
6-13-03 / 6-16-03 / 6-17-03 Happy Friday the 13th. You should wear garlic around your head for good luck. Enjoy the long day light while you can. Have a good weekend! Library is closed today. How will Brian get on w/o me?
6-18-03 Sorry. Got a hot date with Ms. Amos at the welfare office [concerning food stamp recertification].
[Note that the letters have become brief and uninformative, unlike the earlier messages. By April 2003 I had begun writing daily letters to Brian Brown at the library (and saving them to the computer hard drive), a medium of communication that had replaced, in large part, my letter writing to David Castleberry.]
6-19-03 Idea of reference on 6-17-03. Tues afternoon I added material to my autobiography on the computer at the West End Branch of the library. The material concerned the [recently-decided] Charles Sell Supreme Court case, which concerned anti-psychotic meds. Later in the afternoon Velvel [at the Cleveland Park Library] started talking about "Zorba the Greek," which I saw as a reference to Dr. Georgopoulos [my former treating psychiatrist at GW], who used to recommend I take meds.
[The U.S. Supreme Court opinion in the Sell case quotes expert testimony to the effect that anti-psychotic medication is very rarely effective in treating delusional disorder. My diagnosis is delusional disorder.]
6-20-03 / 6-23-03 / 6-24-03 Has David Castleberry ever thought of using my services at the front desk? -- Maybe the pressure would be too much for me. I don't know.
6-25-03 3801 was featured briefly on a TV news story last night on WRC-TV (Ch. 4) about emergency preparedness re: terrorist attacks. One of our tenants was asked if we have evacuation plans. The tenant basically said, "Da?" I talked to you about this before. We need civil defense preparedness. That's more important than a new lobby, don't you think? -- Dead tenants don't pay rent -- do they? We need to encase 3801 in lead to ward off radiation!
[Management remodeled the lobby beginning in the fall of 2003.]
6-26-03 How do you like my "new" Chinese chochkas? I picked them up in the trash room. You can pick up a lot of good stuff in people's trash - computers, picture frames, scrap paper -- an endless variety, really.
6-27-03 FYI -- HUNKY TONY
STEPHEN BREYER: I must confess that I was born heterosexual, but I sign on to the homosexual agenda now and then.
[Refers to a recent U.S. Supreme Court opinion in which Justice Antonin Scalia referred disparagingly to "the homosexual agenda."]
6-30-03 / 7-1-03 A few days ago I heard David Castleberry talking to Elizabeth Joyce about capital improvements. What about a pool? Yes! A big Olympic-sized pool for tenants. 3883 Connecticut has a pool and the tenants are loving it!
7-2-03 I was going to go to the party, but I decided against it. I'm basically a monarchist. This whole American independence thing was a bad idea. -- God Save the Queen!
[Refers to a July 4th party at 3801.]
7-3-03 Did you talk to Judy Glassie about installing a swimming pool, here at 3801 (using the capital improvements budget)? I think tenants would enjoy that more than sliding doors [at the front entrance]. -- I was thinking -- Isn't there any job I could do around the building? What about emptying the trash rooms every day at, say $5/day ($35/week). I think I could handle that. Plus I'd get first dibs on the "good" trash. -- Happy Fourth of July. See you Monday 7.7.03.
[undated] 3801 Masturbation Policy. It may not be done in common areas. This may only be done in your apartments.
[Parody of the new "smoking policy" which was posted in the building.]
7-6-03 BONUS -- LATEST THINKING AT THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESIDENT: What do we do about the growing numbers of unemployed?
SECRETARY OF STATE: We could ship 'em off to Iraq--
NASA ADMINISTRATOR: We could put them in the space shuttle program.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: I say we execute 'em all.
PRESIDENT: (aside to Treasury Secretary): How many billions more do we have to give away in tax cuts? This fiscal policy is hard work!
7-7-03 BONUS This is the 3-month anniversary of the death of my friend David Bloom.
7-7-03 / 7-8-03 Saturday afternoon (7-5-03) I learned about a dark, ugly side to Dr. Sack. He forgot about his 4:00 PM appointment. The poor patient had to wait in his waiting room -- You know how hot that was? She had to sit there with the door open, with her husband. They were helpless pawns of the powerful Dr. Sack. At one point the lady stood up and said-- "I think he stood us up." It was tragic heart-rending - and it exhibited a streak of callousness and indifference in Dr. Lawrence C. Sack that heretofore I did not know existed! ! Shame, shame, shame, Dr. Sack!
7-9-03 I got a notice from Social Security that they're not even going to bother doing their regular 3-year review, based on the preliminary information I gave them. Apparently, they can see I'm very, very sick!
[Attached is SSA Notice dated July 8, 2003.]
7-10-03 My psychologist has been on vacation the last two weeks. My mental state is deteriorating. Maybe I should get together with my friends.
[The psychologist took several vacations during my therapy with her, which spanned the period 2/03 to 5/04. She took off the entire month of December 2003 plus the first two weeks of January 2004. When I complained to my psychiatrist, Dr. Cooper replied: "Your therapist is not allowed to take vacations?"]
7-11-03 Nothing to report. Not much chance of going to the All-Star game with my buddy Brian. It's HIS loss! I PITY Brian!
7-14-03 / 7-15-03 Ten years ago today, my girlfriend dumped me! How can I ever enjoy Bastille Day? How can I ever be with another fraulein?
[Refers to my friend Craig W. Dye. We spoke for the last time, by telephone, on July 13, 1993.]
7-16-03 ELLEN DOES THE SHANGHAI MAFIA
FREEDMAN: Well, Jeffrey, did you talk to Ellen about resigning from the Court? Tell you what, there's an extra $50 bucks in it for you if she does.
ELLEN: Don't tell me later that there was something extra I was supposed to do like renounce my citizenship and disown my first born child.
FREEDMAN: No, no. Just resign from the Court and sign a contingency-fee agreement.
ELLEN: I'm doin' it!
[Parody of a Seinfeld episode, "The Chinese Restaurant." Note the phrase: "disown my first born child," a possible allusion to Sophocles' play, "Oedipus Rex." Oedipus' father, Laius, disowned the infant Oedipus. Compare the message on 1-30-03 that referred to the first born child of Steve Routh, a Hogan & Hartson attorney. The phrase "renounce my citizenship" might be an allusion to the punishment imposed on Oedipus; he was forced into exile from Thebes.]
7-17-03 For my friends at the Gump. -- Think of this as a terrorist attack in very, very slow motion: Only nobody dies, they just end up getting disbarred!
7-18-03 Happy 97th birthday to Clifford Odets -- By the way, how are Walt and Nora. -- Good to see Luise Rainer on the Oscars this year.
[Odets was a playwright, whose children were named Walt and Nora. Odets was married to the Oscar-winning actress, Luise Rainer. Odets was born in the same year as my father: 1906. My father had been a close friend of Odets' cousin, Benny Rossman.]
7-21-03 / 7-22-03 I heard that 20-year tenants get a $500 bonus. -- August 2003 will be my 20th anniversary here at the beautiful 3801 -- Please make my bonus check payable to "Gary Freedman."
[Message is a joke.]
7-23-03 Last night I was thinking about the sorry end for those two partners in crime -- I thought: "It's like a Greek tragedy, only they're not Greek and it's not particularly tragic." I don't know what nationality Race and Hoffman are!
[Refers to two management partners (Dennis M. Race and Lawrence J. Hoffman) at Akin Gump. Note the implied allusion to Sophocles' play "Oedipus Rex," a Greek tragedy. Also, note that the reference to Race's nationality seems to allude to the record on appeal in Freedman v. D.C. Dept. of Human Rights: "At this point Malcolm Lassman turned to Dennis Race and said, 'Dennis, you're not Jewish. Jews don't eat pork'" (see message below, 7-24).
7-24-03 I signed up for food-stamp recertification last week. I'm hoping they will increase my benefit. I gotta talk to Glickman -- Hey, Glickman! -- There needs to be a kosher premium for food stamp recipients who eat kosher. That kosher crap costs like 20% more they treyf. I think the current program violates my 1st Amendment rights!
[Refers to Dan Glickman, former Secretary of Agriculture in the Clinton Administration, and, as of 2003, a lawyer at Akin Gump. The word "treyf" means "non-kosher."]
7-25-03 I'm getting inappropriate pressure to return to work from Dr. Bash. I'm beginning to identify more and more with John Hinckley!
[Refers to the fact that the government has consistently fought to preserve Hinckley's status as a ward of the state; while I, an innocent person who never committed a violent act, was being pressured by a state employee, Dr. Bash, to give up his government benefits.]
7-28-03 Somebody in the apt bldg threw away a perfectly good DVD player! My gain.
[I learned later that the DVD player didn't work.]
7-29-03 I started on a new anti-depressant medication this morning -- Effexor. Let's see what this does!
7-30-03 They didn't increase my food stamps! What's up with that, Glickman?
7-31-03 I hear there's a big meeting with the WRIT folks. Why don't you raise the issue of the $500 bonus for 20-year residents? I know you have a lot of influence in the organization.
8-1-03 On a couple of occasions in the library -- the following picture was displayed prominently in the magazine exchange. It looks like an age-enhanced picture of Rubenstein. How would they know what Rubenstein looks like? [Attached is AT&T ad featuring a photo of the actor Cliff Robertson holding a telephone with the following advertising copy: "The better we sound. Touch Someone.]
8-4-03 I'm hoping to tighten the noose this week. They shoot horses don't they?
[Refers to a letter that I contemplated sending to GW President Stephen J. Trachtenberg about my psychotherapy at GW; the letter described my job termination by Dennis Race at Akin Gump. My therapist at GW (Meghana Tembe) later persuaded me not to send the letter.]
8-5-03 This morning when I looked at Mr. Cookson, he turned his eyes away, and would not look me in the eye. That tells me things are heating up (Ouch! that's hot! Something's cooking on the hot stove ! ! !)
[Pius Cookson is the building engineer at 3801 Connecticut.]
8-6-03 I just wish this thing were over. Then I could sue the bastards -- and rent a penthouse at 3883 Conn. I'd keep this apt for storage.
8-8-03 OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, I will NOT run for Governor of California. I'm sorry to disappoint all of the California out-of-state voters here at 3801.
[Refers to Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement that he will run for Governor of California.]
8-8-03 I'm submitting these notes -- ("The Archives") to my psychologist.
DENNIS RACE: I got Bashed!
[Refers to my simmering anger about Dr. Bash's statements that she thought I was employable. Dr. Bash's statements about my employability were especially troubling because SSA had just renewed my benefits without even doing a review, which suggested to me that SSA believed my disability was serious.]
8-11-03 / 8-12-03 I was thinking about ending this line of communication, but I decided against it. My instincts tell me it's not time. Still got some lawyers to screw! As they say: A lawyer who fucks a lawyer is twice a lawyer!
8-13-03 People ask: "Does Israel have the bomb?" The way I see it, it misses the point. In terms of destructive potential, they have Dr. Bash! Does it matter whether they have the bomb?
8-14-03 Tomorrow (8-15-03) is a big day. No, not Vernon Jordan's birthday. No, not Napoleon's birthday -- 32 years ago tomorrow Richard Nixon got on TV in the evening (a Sunday evening in 1971) to announce wage & price controls. I don't know why I remember that -- I wonder if Ben Stein remembers -- you know his old man was a Nixon econ. adviser.
8-14-03 BONUS #135 (John Walsh) keeps his TV on all day-- Is he nuts? Aren't there better ways to scare off demons?
8-15-03 My illness is so devastating at times that I wonder how I can get through the day. "It's so sad"-- That's what Pat Nixon said on the plane back to San Clemente after Pres. Nixon resigned.
8-18-03 MESSAGE FOR DAVID GREGORY: Caught you on the Today Show. Good to hear you speaking English. Sincerely, George W. Bush.
[Gregory was the NBC-TV White House reporter in 2003. His fluency in French at a press conference with French President Chirac once irked President Bush.]
8-19-03 I guess it's the end of an era. I just found out that [resident manager] David Castleberry left-- All of a sudden. Then I learned that [my former treating psychiatrist] Lawrence C. Sack, MD, died. There was a note on his [office] door on Sat 8-16 advising patients to call his son, Dr. Robert Sack -- La comedia est finita!
["La comedia est finita" refers to Beethoven. A few days before Beethoven's death, a friend wrote: "He feels the end coming, for yesterday he said to me . . . 'Plaudite, amici, comoedia finita est.'" (Applaud, friends, the comedy is ended.).]
END OF DIARIES.
posted by My Daily Struggles | 1:07 PM
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